toxins – The Beezly Street Gazette

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Astute social commentator Dr Kylie Jenner has controversially claimed that “Chemtrails” – the contrails left behind by aircraft in the sky, are merely aeroplanes experiencing a spot of ‘rectal turbulence’.

Believed to be a mixture of Anthrax, Valium and the bones of unbaptized babies, chemtrails are designed to make us obedient to our lizard overlords, by people that have failed to notice just how big the bloody sky is. But the reality star thinks this is nonsense, and that chemtrails are “just the aeroplane trumping. Like, they eat jet engine fuel so they can fly about, and when they’ve digested it, they do a big long trump in the sky, and that is what chemtrails are,”

Dr Jenner is planning on doing a Ted Talk explaining the mechanism and implications of aircraft cracking one off in the sky.

“With the amount of aircraft in the sky, I’m really concerned that the sky could get quite smelly and full of ‘plane farts, and we might need to go up and spray some Febreeze about,”

Said the star, who modelled a tinfoil hat on a Paris runway earlier this spring.

Tesco Moves Daffodils Away From Sharks

Supermarkets are being urged to keep daffodil bulbs away from live sharks, in case people mistake live sharks for flowers and try to plant them in the garden.

In a letter to major supermarkets, Public Health UK warned that deadly species of shark such as the Hammerhead could easily be confused with daffodils, and that trying to plant a live shark in a daffodil bed was “An emerging risk,”

Shark bites are not unheard of in the UK, after some green-fingered consumers mistakenly put a 6 foot, angry juvenile basking shark in their trolley instead of a daffodil bulb. Tom Biscuit, a pensioner from Hull had his arm bitten off by a young tiger shark in 1994.

“I didn’t read the label properly, and I just put it in my basket. My wife asked me if a daffodil bulb was supposed to be flopping about angrily in the trolley and trying to bite other customers, but I thought it must be a new species of daffodil or something. When I was trying to strap it to the roof of my car to take it home, it lunged forward and bit my arm off, and then dropped dead of exhaustion. It took my wife all day to plant it in the garden, and we haven’t seen a single daffodil from it.”

He added:

“Supermarkets have a responsibility to clearly label sharks and daffodils. This could have happened to anyone,”

A spokesperson for Tesco said:

“We have taken steps to clearly label both sharks and daffodils, and place them at opposite ends of the store to avoid this kind of confusion in the future. Our shark tanks will have massive arrows pointing to them saying ‘This is not a daffodil bulb, please do not attempt to plant a shark in your garden,'”