Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

Sex could be phased out and replaced with Crossfit as early as 2020, according to experts.

A Crossfit instructor from Milton Keynes is backing the new legislation, which would see amorous couples performing three rounds of 50 squats, seven muscle-ups and ten hang power cleans, instead of banging each other like a Salvation Army drum.

“Experiencing a Zen-like, Nirvanic pain in your chest after three rounds of burpees and then lying on the floor sobbing in a puddle of a stranger’s sweat is actually better and more effective than sex,”

He explained, while juggling kettleballs with his feet and making a kale and salmon smoothie.

“It’s not about saying no to sex. It’s about saying yes to fitness,”

Experts have pointed out that having several bouts of vigorous sex on a Sunday afternoon, in no way prepares you for rescuing a theoretical grandmother from a hypothetical burning building, or helps you to disarm a rogue grizzly bear that is trying to hold up an off-license with a sawn-off shotgun, and has taken a photogenic small child as a hostage and possibly a snack.

‘Love, Honor And Puree’ – Woman Marries Nutribullet

A 35 year old woman from Leeds, UK has married her Nutribullet blender, after owning it for three days.

“I’ve never felt so fulfilled,”

Said the woman, after ditching her smoothie maker and juicer for the swanky ‘Magic Bullet’ blender that can pulverize carrots and even nuts.

“I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop putting different types of food into it and turning them into pulp, and running around the house with a glass of mango and spirulina smoothie forcing people to look at the texture of it and drink it. It’s like being a crack addict, but ten times more annoying,”

The bride’s best friend said:

“If she mentions that sodding blender one more time, I’m going to stick it up her (censored). She hasn’t shut up about liquidating carrots and beetroot since she took it out of the box, which she probably liquidised with a handful of collard greens and drank. But I’m glad she’s happy,”

During the short ceremony, the happy couple promise to “love, honor and puree” and were showered with rose petals, which the Magic Bullet promptly turned into a nutritious paste that can be added to soup.

‘Wasps Can Still F*** Off’ Claim Animal Lovers

Britain is famously a nation of animal lovers, and numbers of vegetarians, vegans and anti cruelty supporters are growing. But wasps can still f*** right off, according to many animal loving Brits.

Margaret Otter, who runs a sanctuary for abandoned pets, including turtles, tarantulas and lizards said;

“I’ve got a special spray that I use to kill them, and then I watch them die, and then I chop off their head with a plastic picnic knife, pop it on a cocktail stick and stand it by the gate as a warning to other wasps,”

A hunt saboteur from Hampshire said;

“I love all animals apart from wasps. If one flew near me while I was reading, I would definitely twat it with the book, even if it meant getting a bit of wasp juice on the book,”

Martin Carrot, a vegan since the 1960’s said:

“Hey come on. It’s wasps we’re talking about here, not butterflies or bees. It’s like they deliberately pick on you when you’re innocently going about your business. I wouldn’t kill or eat one, but I’ve got absolutely no sympathy for them,”

Reasons for disliking wasps varied, and included “hanging around and being annoying when you’re trying to make jam” and “building nests in the eaves of your house”. But “stinging people for no good reason,” and “well, they’re just bastards aren’t they?” were two of the most popular reasons for disliking wasps.

“I’m against animal testing,”

Said an animal rights protester in Manchester.

“But if someone poured shampoo into a wasp’s eye and made it smoke tobacco, I probably wouldn’t give a shit,”

Models Can Now Spend ‘Exposure’ At La Perla And ASOS

Jobbing models everywhere are getting a financial break from the government.

Until now, promises of ‘exposure’ from photographers and companies were almost completely useless, and usually just way to con some free tits for a photo shoot.

But models can now convert ‘exposure’ into vouchers and spend them on expensive underwear and dresses for shoots.

A model from London said:

“I’m over the moon! I’m always being asked to take part in some bullshit shoot that some silly man has dreamed up, so he can boss a nubile young women about and be the envy of his mates. The last time I did one I was a calendar, and I was Miss December. I was wrapped up like a parcel, with just my arms, legs and boobs sticking out. He promised me it would be great ‘exposure’, and I was young and naïve. I looked like I’d been murdered by Father Christmas, and it made my mum cry. I think this is a great scheme,”

Tight-arsed photographers also welcome the scheme.

“I don’t pay models. In fact, I think they should pay me, the greedy young harpies, as I am providing a service for them. One of my pictures was published in Razzle in 1984, and I’ve been a photographer for fifty million years. Under this scheme, the level of ‘exposure’ I promise them can be converted into vouchers that they can use to buy knickers and dresses. I sat up all night planning my next shoot. It’s got eleven busty blondes, rose petals and swirly lollypops in. I can’t wait to get started,”

Concern that the vouchers only allow models to buy frivolous things like pants and frocks has been levelled at the scheme. A spokesperson for the treasury replied:

“Oh come on, we all know that models don’t have to do ordinary things like pay rent and buy milk. All they do all day is sit around in their negligees giggling and eating bonbons. This is really a break for the poor photographers, that have spent several thousand pounds on equipment and software, want to faff around with boobs and lighting all afternoon, yet mysteriously have no money left over to pay anyone,”

‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Photographers

A change in the law will allow photographers to pay rent on their homes & studios with ‘exposure’ instead of money. They will also be able to buy coffee, shampoo and other essentials, by mentioning to the checkout assistant that they did a big job last week for nothing, and are hoping it will bring them some paying clients.

Landlords and supermarkets are protesting this move, on the grounds that “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with ‘exposure’? I can’t pay my bills with fresh bloody air! Why can’t you just give me money like every bugger else?”

The controversial new change will allow photographers to pay for their homes and studios by doing freebies for people that want pictures of their spoiled daughter at her expensive Sweet Sixteen party, pictures of their hair-brained new business idea, or a range of merchandise they plan to sell on EBay.

The owner of an online sausage website said:

“This is a very good deal, and I can’t understand what you’re all moaning about. I own a big sausage factory, and when people see that you have photographed my famous sausages, you’ll be beating off paying clients with a mucky stick. Everybody knows that’s how it works. If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by letting you photograph my sausages,”

Photographers themselves claim that they don’t really give a shit how famous your sausages are, or how many wealthy parents will be at your daughter’s swanky party that cost a grand to put on.

“The old saying went – if you pay peanuts you get monkeys,”

Said a professional photographer from Leeds.

“It used to be that if you planned to pay in imaginary benefits, good luck with your imaginary professional photographer, and the top notch professional service that you won’t be receiving. They’ll probably throw in imaginary re-touching and shoot it on a fictional Hasselblad as well,

“But with this new change in the law, I can actually pay the rent on my studio by spending the whole afternoon photographing someone’s annoying children for nothing. I can even get a free coffee in Starbucks by whipping out my portfolio and showing them all the many hours of retouching I did on some bright orange teenager whose mum told her she could be a model. This has revolutionized the field of photography, and I couldn’t be more delighted,”

A spokesperson for the National Landlords Association said:

“This is absolutely outrageous. How can anyone in their right minds hope to pay for goods and services with ‘exposure’? If we’re forced to accept the promise of future work in lieu of actual money, we’re all going to go bankrupt!”

Are You Beach Body Ready?

You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!

Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.

As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.

Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.

This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.

Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.

Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.

The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.

Living Saint Gwyneth Paltrow To Perform Holy Miracle With Food Stamps

Saintly kale-muncher Gwyneth Paltrow has graciously accepted a challenge to live for an entire week on a food stamp budget. Poor people everywhere are deeply touched by the multi-millionairess ‘having a go’ at being too poor to buy food, and have Tweeted their support to the actress.

The mother and health nut, whose poop is probably the most nutritious superfood on earth & can be eaten raw with a grapefruit spoon to cure baldness, tweeted a picture of a single loaf of bread and a dead fish, claiming that was her food for the week.

“I’ll take my knickers off and moon at the bread and the fish. The holy light issuing from my ass will ensure that there will always be enough bread and fish. I’ll serve it simply and humbly, with some lime and cilantro. I don’t know why poor people don’t just miracle their bread and fish, instead of stuffing themselves full of junk food. There would be plenty of money left over to buy limes and cilantro if everybody did this,”

Said the actress on her ‘Goop’ website, where she plans to make a huge deal of how you can live on food stamps for a week and still make delicious, healthy dishes at your leisure, in your gigantic farmhouse-style kitchen in your heated mansion, thus proving how stupid and lazy poor people are.

“She’s a living saint,”

Said the owner of a food bank in Manchester. “I am going to write to her and ask her for some recipes for Smart Price cornflakes, a small carton of skimmed UHT milk and a can of value beans,”

Victoria’s Secret To Show Knickers On Normal Arses

Manufacturers put women wearing knickers on packets of knickers, to prevent women from accidentally putting them on the dog, wearing them on their heads, or attempting to use them as driving gloves.

But posh knicker-models Rosie Huntington-Whitley and Lara Stone could soon be out of a job, after a women on Facebook asked lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret, for pictures of their knickers on just a normal, nice arse.

“Oh yeah, we never thought of that,”

Said Victoria’s Secret.

“We’ll look into putting them on some normal-sized arses, like some great big ones that are still smokin’, and some smaller peachy, dimply ones, and ones that wobble a bit, so that you can imagine what they will look like on your own arse, instead of seeing them stretched over the perfectly spherical, cellulite-free globes of an 18 year old former gymnast. Which most of our customers aren’t. What a fantastic idea,”

Another Facebooker pointed out that putting a pair of control pants on a model that wouldn’t need control pants, even after being trapped in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory on shark week, doesn’t really help to show what they look like.

“Another great point, well made,”

Said the famous knicker-makers.

“We can totally see how putting control pants on somebody that doesn’t need to wear control pants, and then Photoshopping the crap out of them, so that they look like a bathing costume for a worm isn’t very helpful. We’ll put that right immediately,”

Silly Old Tossers Banned From Being Photographers

A new law that bans silly old farts from buying expensive cameras and pretending to be model photographers, is coming into force next year.

Under the new legislation, silly old farts will still be allowed to spend three grand on a posh camera and lots of shiny new lenses. They will not be banned from taking pictures of jobbing models in Primark knickers, pretending that they’re doing it for the art, or from attending model workshops where the lighting is all set up for them.

The new law will however, prevent ridiculous old gits from setting up pages on Facebook pretending to be professional, jet-setting model photographers, that spend their days beating off lush young fanny with a shitty stick and getting paid for the privilege.

“It’s high time something was done about this,”

Said a spokesperson for real model photographers, that actually get paid to photograph models, and don’t pretend to their mates that they sleep with all of them and get stalked by them and stuff.

“These people are an absolute embarrassment to the craft. Anyone can set up a professional page on Facebook now, and spend all their spare cash on hiring busty young women to arch their backs and wedge de-thorned rose stems in their buttocks, and then use selective colour on it. No professional model photographer would make ‘nudge nudge, wink wink’ comments on Facebook about shagging all the models, that actually found them rather tedious and were just being polite,”

The new law is welcomed by the sons and daughters of silly old farts with cameras, as it will prevent their fathers from making total tools of themselves, with their newfound fantasy lifestyle.

A spokeswoman for the support group “Dads With Cams” said:

“We are all extremely relieved about the new legislation. My Dad has been really embarrassing since his divorce. He pays these women loads of money to pose for him, and then pretends that he gets paid for it. I know he’s not sleeping with any of them really, and they’re just jobbing models that want to earn a bit of money by keeping a lonely old man company for two hours and getting some nice pictures. I wish he’d just book an escort once or twice a week to cheer himself up, and not blog about it on the bloody Internet like he’s Terry bloody Richardson,”

A new law banning both the ‘Heel Caught In Thong’ shot in selective colour, and the ‘American Beauty’ rose petal shot, but with just two scabby little roses, is being discussed in Parliament next week.

Selfish Career Woman Turns Into Plate Of Lime Jelly

A former businesswoman has turned into an actual plate of lime-flavoured jelly, in the shape of a pair of wobbling breasts, after she tried to meet the demands of her career and her baby at the same time, the Daily Mail has reported.

Linda Smith, 31 from Devon turned into a plate of jelly after following some conflicting advice she read on the Daily Mail website.

Linda Smith in her current form as a pair of lime-flavoured jelly breasts.

After selfishly trying to run her business, as well as selfishly having a baby, her first after 15 fertile years of selfishly not having a baby, but relieved that she managed to avoid teenage pregnancy, Linda admitted she felt “exhausted and inadequate”.

“I was quite proud of running a business and looking after my baby at the same time, even though we’re both very tired & it’s hard sometimes. But now I realise I was wrong, and the stress has turned me into plate of lime jelly. I’m a terrible person and I’m going to hell,”

“I wish I’d looked at the Mail Online sooner, because then I would have realised what an awful, selfish idiot I am, and how I’m doing absolutely everything wrong. I’m turning my baby into a serial killer by leaving him with my sister 3 days a week. He’ll probably be gay because I bottle feed him when he’s at work with me. My roots are showing, I haven’t got any lippy on, my armpits haven’t been moisturised in weeks, and I bet my husband’s having an affair. I wouldn’t blame him, to be honest,”

Now that Linda is a plate of lime-flavoured, none-vegan jelly pair of breasts wobbling about on a plate in her parents fridge, she wants to warn other women about the dangers of having a baby, not having a baby, having a baby too early, and leaving it too late to have a baby.

“Basically, you’re a selfish, awful woman, or at best misguided, whatever you decide to do. Even not having a baby is fraught with danger and probably really selfish. Your best bet is to become a nun really, because then you’re automatically exempt from having a usable vagina and doing the wrong thing with it,”

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