“We’ve Got Enough Food Now Thanks’ Say GMO Protesters

The genetic modification of crops has been deemed unnecessary by the government following a report from people that don’t approve of white-coated witchcraft, and claims that everybody now has enough food.

A poster for the movie 'Return Of The Killer Tomatoes' - a bleak, dystopian GMO thriller.

A poster for the movie ‘Return Of The Killer Tomatoes’ – a bleak, dystopian GMO thriller.

“I’m a mother, and I’m happy with the organic selection on offer at my local supermarket,”

Said Linda Smug, an armchair nutritionist from London, who has an O Level in biology and runs an online forum for people that don’t like the idea of GMO food.

“I certainly don’t want to walk into Tesco and see tomatoes dancing around on legs, or bananas gasping for air on the floor, because they’ve been crossed with rainbow trout. We’ve got enough food now, and those companies are just being greedy,”

When it was pointed out that crops have been genetically modified by farmers for thousands of years, producing the oversized fruits and plump grains that we think of as normal today, Linda said:

“Harrumph! But would you eat a burger made from the offspring of a goat and a shark?”

And ran off crying.

Despite climate change playing havoc with ecosystems and crops in many countries, leading to mass starvation, illness and death of millions of people worldwide, protesters insist that GMO crops are part of a government plot to kill millions of people by feeding them food.

Martin Quinoa, who writes for health website Natural News said:

“It’s well known that Monsanto are in bed with Big Pharma, and that they want to wipe most of the population out. Mostly not us though, just people in other countries that can’t afford the latest Apple technology. Anyway, we’ve got more than enough food now, and we don’t want any new types. Everybody should just stop messing about with it,”

Free Dancing Mouse With Tesco Deliveries

Tesco has announced plans to roll out its ‘Free Dancing Mouse’ scheme, with every home delivery order.


This means that every household that has their groceries delivered, will be treated to a specially trained mouse in a sparkly leotard and two little tap shoes, performing a range of tap performances to old time classics and modern pop songs.

“We trialed this scheme in Clacton, and received a lot of positive feedback. We’re happy to announce that a free dancing mouse will be included in every delivery.

Of course, we do reserve the right to substitute another performing animal if no mice are available, such as a snake that makes balloon animal, or a dog that plays the guitar,”

Said a spokesperson for Tesco.

Customers in Clacton were delighted to receive the dancing mouse, claiming:

“It was just so fast. It’s the last thing you expect with a delivery,”

Man Falls In Love With Waitrose Self Service Till

An unnamed man from Stockport has been banned from supermarket Waitrose, after putting his ‘Unexpected Item’ in the self-service till’s ‘Bagging Area’.


“He comes here most nights,” said the security guard.

“He deliberately puts things down too heavily in the bagging area, and we think it’s just to hear the incredibly sexy and slightly disapproving voice of the posh Waitrose self service till telling him off, because he goes all red and starts clearing his throat,”

The man has been permanently banned from branches of Waitrose, after a breach of what the store manager described as “correct protocol for shopping in Waitrose,”

“This is a respectable, family store, and our self service tills are for the convenience of people that don’t want to interact with other human beings at all, for whatever reason,”

He said in a statement to the press.

“The self service tills are not for fondling, caressing, chatting up or falling in love with. This is completely impractical. We have ejected this customer for producing a ring, dropping down on one knee and proposing to till number 6 on a number of occasions. But the latest turn of events resulted in him being permanently banned, with his mug shot in a prominent place in every store,”

“We’re in love,” said the man, who cannot be named for legal reasons

“She understands me,”

“Store approval needed. Unexpected item in bagging area,”

Said till number 6, in response to questions about the alleged love affair.

“Assistance required,”

It added.

Tesco Moves Daffodils Away From Sharks

Supermarkets are being urged to keep daffodil bulbs away from live sharks, in case people mistake live sharks for flowers and try to plant them in the garden.


In a letter to major supermarkets, Public Health UK warned that deadly species of shark such as the Hammerhead could easily be confused with daffodils, and that trying to plant a live shark in a daffodil bed was “An emerging risk,”

Shark bites are not unheard of in the UK, after some green-fingered consumers mistakenly put a 6 foot, angry juvenile basking shark in their trolley instead of a daffodil bulb. Tom Biscuit, a pensioner from Hull had his arm bitten off by a young tiger shark in 1994.

“I didn’t read the label properly, and I just put it in my basket. My wife asked me if a daffodil bulb was supposed to be flopping about angrily in the trolley and trying to bite other customers, but I thought it must be a new species of daffodil or something. When I was trying to strap it to the roof of my car to take it home, it lunged forward and bit my arm off, and then dropped dead of exhaustion. It took my wife all day to plant it in the garden, and we haven’t seen a single daffodil from it.”

He added:

“Supermarkets have a responsibility to clearly label sharks and daffodils. This could have happened to anyone,”

A spokesperson for Tesco said:

“We have taken steps to clearly label both sharks and daffodils, and place them at opposite ends of the store to avoid this kind of confusion in the future.  Our shark tanks will have massive arrows pointing to them saying ‘This is not a daffodil bulb, please do not attempt to plant a shark in your garden,'”