superfood – The Beezly Street Gazette

‘Love, Honor And Puree’ – Woman Marries Nutribullet

A 35 year old woman from Leeds, UK has married her Nutribullet blender, after owning it for three days.

“I’ve never felt so fulfilled,”

Said the woman, after ditching her smoothie maker and juicer for the swanky ‘Magic Bullet’ blender that can pulverize carrots and even nuts.

“I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop putting different types of food into it and turning them into pulp, and running around the house with a glass of mango and spirulina smoothie forcing people to look at the texture of it and drink it. It’s like being a crack addict, but ten times more annoying,”

The bride’s best friend said:

“If she mentions that sodding blender one more time, I’m going to stick it up her (censored). She hasn’t shut up about liquidating carrots and beetroot since she took it out of the box, which she probably liquidised with a handful of collard greens and drank. But I’m glad she’s happy,”

During the short ceremony, the happy couple promise to “love, honor and puree” and were showered with rose petals, which the Magic Bullet promptly turned into a nutritious paste that can be added to soup.

Superfood Quinoa ‘Just Couscous For Twats’

Pronounced ‘Keen-Wha’ even though it’s spelled Kwinoah to embarrass people in Holland and Barret, the healthy super food has been dubbed ‘Couscous For Twats’ by nutrition experts.

Couscous is actually a type of pasta rather than a grain. But quinoa is so pretentious that it’s not even a real grain, but a type of ‘pseudo cereal’, meaning that it’s actually a seed.

Experts have recommended that uncooked quinoa be labelled ‘Couscous For Twats’, to distinguish it from couscous, which started out as a super food, and then turned out to be not that nutritionally different from Spaghetti Hoops.

The Incas, who dubbed it the ‘Mother Grain’, because they did weird things like that, because they were Incas, thought quinoa was the absolute bollocks. They also regarded it as sacred, which ancient peoples tended to do with crops, if they would starve to death without them. They probably would have worshipped potatoes and sacrificed children to a Birdseye Potato Waffle god too, had they grown potatoes as well.

Grown high in the Andes, the magic grain is regarded as a ‘perfect food’ and a complete source of protein. This makes it a vital food source for anybody with a western diet and access to a supermarket, because of course there are only about seven thousand other sources of protein available, every single day of the year.

Like all wholemeal grains including rice, it is packed with fibre. It is also gluten free, making it ideal for anybody with a gluten allergy, real or imagined.

The ‘Couscous For Twats’ labelling is part of a government initiative to stop people wasting money on expensive superfoods, or for feeling guilty for not eating them, when they already have access to a wide range of healthy options in their local supermarket.

“This labelling is unnecessary and inaccurate,”

Said past-it pseudo-nutritionist Dr. Gillian McKieth, poking the newly labelled bag with her broomstick.

“Quinoa is nothing like couscous!”