suction – The Beezly Street Gazette

Everyone Taking Part In #kyliejennerchallenge To Be Smacked And Sent To Bed

Under new guidelines, every teenager taking part in the ‘Kylie Jenner Challenge’ – which involves applying suction to the lips to inflate them to Pete Burns proportions, is to be smacked on the legs on Saturday night, and set to bed at 7.30pm with no Wifi.

The government watchdog that monitors Internet trends and their effect on teenagers said:

“This is getting bloody silly now. We thought having the Internet would make teenagers smarter, but they’re all blowing their lips up to copy some daft American bint. We feel that a good old fashioned slap on the legs, and a night of doing homework with no Twitter will do them the world of good,”

The mass smacking and sending to bed will take place this Saturday at 7pm. Teenagers are already hastily deleting their pictures of their bruised faces and exploded lips, but the government warns:

“We’re sending a letter to your parents, so we suggest you stop being silly, get on with your homework and do a few extra chores around the house to apologise to your parents for making wazzocks of yourselves on the Internet. And wipe that bloody slap off, you’re a 16 year old schoolgirl, not a 60 year old strippergram,”

Teenaged Stupidity Reaches Record Levels

The brain-boggling stupidity of teenagers has reached record levels this year, a study has confirmed.

Teenagers, not known for being particularly sensible anyway, are now 30% more daft than they were in the 1990’s.

According to the study, today’s youngsters are 30% more likely to injure themselves just sitting down at a table, rather than in the more traditional ways such as skateboarding accidents, drunken falls and throwing things at each other.

Girls in particular, traditionally thought of as being slightly more sensible than teenaged boys, are starting to catch up with boys in terms of copying stupid people doing stupid things on the Internet.

“Whereas once you’d really worry about teenaged boys doing stupid things like punching each other in the face or running each other over with motorbikes, now you can’t even trust that a teenaged girl sitting on the computer in her bedroom isn’t going to literally blow her face up with vacuum suction, or poke herself in the eye with the end of a styling wand, trying to video herself doing her hair for Youtube. It’s a worrying trend, and one that shows no sign of slowing down,”

Fortunately, most teenagers grow out of doing stupid things, just because they’ve seen some other stupid idiot doing it. But experts worry that the bar for stupidity has been set so high, that we can expect even more ridiculous injuries over the next ten years.

“Nobody knows when this level of stupidity will peak. We could see teenagers trying to fly to the moon on the back of a massive firework, or performing their own ear modifications with their mum’s pinking shears. But don’t worry, they’ll grow out of it eventually,”