Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

A study into the behaviour of children under five years old has revealed that much of toddler’s more challenging behaviour is down to them being heartless little bastards, that sadistically enjoy tormenting adults.

The researchers secretly listened to the conversations of a hundred pairs of under-5s while they were alone in a room full of toys. While the researchers were watching, they played with the toys and tried to eat them. But when the researchers left the room and recorded the children playing, some of the conversations appeared to show malicious forethought and meticulous planning to an almost Machiavellian level.

A researcher that worked on the study said:

“I’m glad my kids are grown up. They were saying things like ‘you rip the pages out of that book and I’ll crap in her handbag, it’ll be hilarious’ and ‘you should have seen my nappy after I ate her entire collection of lipsticks, it was like somebody had clubbed a seal to death in the middle of a Pampers advert. LOL’. There is no doubt in my mind that under 5’s are simply bastards,”

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

New research shows that vegetables and other plants “scream blue murder” as they are cooked or eaten. Although inaudible to the human ear, a special listening device placed on various vegetables turned the making of a simple salad into a “holocaust of horror”.

In a study on carrots, scientists found that carrots did not scream in a basket at the supermarket, or when placed into the salad shelf of a fridge. But according to researchers:

“The screaming began when the carrot was placed on a chopping board and peeled with a knife. And then all of the vegetables started screaming. It was like the front row of a One Direction concert. Disturbing stuff.

Said the scientist, who has since given up all fruits and vegetables, apart from ones he can sneak up on and quickly throw into boiling water “for a more humane death”.

“At least animals are dead when you eat them,” he added, shuddering.

‘No No No You Haven’t Measured It Properly’ Say Men In Penis Size Study

Scientists have measured 15000 male appendages from all over the world to determine the average size. But almost every man in the study is complaining that they weren’t measured accurately enough.

“By my measurements, it’s actually 4.8.3 inches, or exactly mid way between the 6 button and the 9 button on the TV remote control. And to be fair, it was quite nippy in that room,”

Said a man from Manchester that took part in the study.

The BJU International journal of urology insists that all measurements were accurately taken and double-checked by scientists.

“Nah,” said a man from Dublin. “It was having an off day. I must have been dehydrated or something. And it was snowing outside, and I was wearing unusually thin trousers that day. I want to go back and get it measured again,”

“Male appendages are very much much of a muchness,” said a doctor in the study. “It’s unusual to get an especially large or small one, but men can worry about the size a great deal. We created a graph to show actual sizes of real, ordinary men, to reassure anyone that’s worried about the size,”

“Well I’m not worried about the size,” said a man from South America. “Why would I worry? I’ve never had any complaints. The scientist was probably freaked out by the size of it, and that’s why the measurement was off. It’s at least three quarters of a centimetre bigger than that. It’s winter too, and the tape measure was cold,”

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

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