starbucks – The Beezly Street Gazette

A Kickstarter scheme is hoping to raise eleven million dollars for a new ‘green’ type of disposable coffee cup.

“Organ donation and pledging your remains to medial science is like, sooooo last century,”

Said Justin Twat, CEO of Cuppa Coffin, a company that recycles the mortal remains of people that live in Shoreditch and Camden, and turns them into cups for chains such as Costa Coffee and Starbucks.

‘Our consumers are young professionals, and when they pop their clogs they want to still feel a part of the daily hustle and bustle, overpriced properties and muggings that they think is so bloody brilliant. Being cremated and then turned into approximately one thousand coffee cups ensures that they still get to ride about on the tube and sit around in offices with abstract paintings on the walls, and be a part of conversations like “Ooooooh my Gooooood! I haven’t seen you in aaaaages! Love your hat! We must go out!”

“Then, when the customer finishes their coffee, they simply chuck it in the bin, or drop it on the floor in the Tube, and it goes straight into a landfill site,”

The City of London produces tonnes of waste from disposable coffee cups every day, and this exciting new initiative ensures that the coffee cups of young professionals and creative are just that bit more special, more exciting and just better than everyone else’s.

Starbucks To Open On Top Of Bulldozed Assyrian City

Starbucks have announced plans to open a new branch on top of the ancient Assyrian city, which IS began to demolish on Thursday.

The company has promised to incorporate elements of priceless ruins and artefacts, now flattened into smithereens by mad numpties in bulldozers, into its interior design and construction. There will be murals with winged statues on, and a special type of coffee drink called “The Nimrud” that will have a picture of a winged bull on it.

“And there will be coconut milk as well, for people that don’t like cow milk,”

Said a spokesperson for Starbucks.

Archaeologists and officials have expressed concern that Starbucks is already bloody everywhere, and that there is absolutely no need to build one on top of the ancient city of Nimrud, tragically attacked last week by religious loons.

“Too late, we’ve already built it,”

Said the spokesperson.

“We 3D printed it in concrete, and the foundations are already up. It’s got gargoyles on. It looks brilliant,”