Fulham Sinkhole Confirmed As Mouth Of Hades

The three foot wide crevice that opened up in front of a café on a Fulham street, swallowing several members of the public, has been confirmed as the mythical ‘Mouth Of Hades’ or entrance to the Underworld.

Experts from the British Museum have confirmed that this is not the Christian ‘Hell’, so there is no danger of explosions, lava, fire or escaping imps roaming the streets of Fulham and affecting house prices.

“This is a more classical abode of the dead, and therefore rather more misty and gloomy. It existed long before the idea of heaven and hell, and even before London, which as we know is very old. This particular hole is located above the Fields of Asphodel, which is a sort of afterlife version of Stoke-on-Trent,”

Said the expert, adding that the hole is unlikely to be dangerous, but that anyone who fell all the way down it would be forbidden by the ancient god of death Hades himself from leaving.

The council have cordoned off the area, and are expected to fill it in with gravel over the weekend. The public are being discouraged from offering sacrifices to the hole, and from pushing each other towards it as a dare.

Simpsons Insider Admits Involvement In Higgs Boson And 9/11

An anonymous writer and former member of the Simpsons television show’s inner circle has made a shocking revelation. He claims that the show’s writers and producers had ‘a heavy involvement and responsibility’ in current events, via the popular show itself.

“The show The Simpsons has been complicit in the creation of futuristic inventions, scientific discoveries and terrorist attacks,”

He said, speaking from a dark room in an unnamed location, thought to be underground, after claiming that death threats forced him to leave his home.

“Some people think it’s just a coincidence that we showed a magazine cover featuring a similar scenario to 9/11 years before it happened. Other people think it’s the Illuminati controlling the media, and planting subtle clues so as not to startle the sheeple,”

The television show has predicted many future events, mostly through the use of far-fetched scenarios and visual gags. Its most recently discovered prediction was when main character Homer Simpson accurately wrote down the equation for the Higgs-Boson particle on a blackboard, several years before it was actually discovered.

The Simpsons has also predicted Apple technology such as Siri and video calls on mobile telephones, the design of I-pods, the UK horse meat scandal, mutant tomatoes affected by radiation, and Miley Cyrus riding on a wrecking ball.

Experts in the methods of the Illuminati to control the population, point to the Miley Cyrus video prediction as proof that popular shows such as the Simpsons contain subtle clues that the population is being ruled by a shadowy elite.

But the former writer claims that isn’t the case. In his own words:

“The co-creator of the show Matt Groening sold his soul to the Devil in a blood ritual many years ago. Satan granted him unlimited success, but a price. Everything written into the show will happen at some point in the future. Sometimes it’s just on a small scale, like the lemon tree that was stolen in an episode, and then a real life newspaper reported the theft of a lemon tree. It’s easy to ignore stuff like that.

“But other times, and nobody can say when or how, the big stuff happens, and we all know it’s because of the show. We all know what I’m talking about here. THAT magazine cover. It didn’t mean anything at the time, it was just a meaningless sketch on screen for a second. And then it happened,”

“When we did the gag on Homer writing the equation down, the artist just threw down some random numbers and letters and made it look all mathematical. And now it’s been proven to be true. We don’t live in the world that we think we do. We live in Satan’s matrix, and he manipulates the world according to his evil whims. Matt Groening is an instrument of the devil, and being an atheist isn’t going to get him off the hook,”

Photo credits:

The Daily Mail

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jenlewis/21-times-the-simpsons-bizarrely-predicted-the-future#.pyL8gY9D0

http://www.veteranstoday.com/2013/06/16/beware-911-and-now-622-terrorist-foretold-in-the-simpsons/

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

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