Owls Be Like ‘F*** Your Pop Up Café, Man’

Plans to open a pop-up ‘Owl Bar’ in London have been met with objections and criticism, not least from the owls themselves.


A spokesperson from an owl sanctuary has objected to the event, on the grounds that:

“Owls are sensitive and shy nocturnal creatures, and it is cruel to subject them to a crowded or noisy atmosphere such as an event or party,”

Spokesowl Hootie, a large Jazz-Owl from Harlem, speaking on behalf of the group of owls expected to spend the week being fondled by drunken patrons said quite righteously:

“That’s right bitch! Owls be secretive and sensitive birds, wid ‘sepshunal hearin’. Subjectin’ us t’large crowds and noise aint whut be best fo’ our welfare. What it is, Mama. Right On!”

The organiser of the event claimed that:

“The organisers have also made sure the noise and background music will be kept to minimal and an owl will only have around 10-12 members of public around him/her at a given time.”

To which Hootie replied:

What? You’s wants’ me t’rap t’each group uh assholes fo’ 10-12 minutes? What am ah’ supposed t’do? Lap dance? Vomit up a shrew? Fuck yo’ pop up cafe man. Some bitch be missin’ her nose an’ eyeball after 5 minutes of that lame-ass unpaid performin’ shit. ‘S coo’, bro,”