Unpopular Royals To Be Buried In Car Parks

Less popular royals such as Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie and Prince Andrew, and possibly the ginger spare one if he dresses up as a Nazi again, are to be buried in car parks as part of their state funerals. The PR office for the Royal Family announced the adjustment this morning.

Following the public outpouring for the remains of controversial King Richard III, discovered in a car park in Leicester in 2012, the Queen has decreed that all members of the royal family that the public don’t really like very much, are to be laid to rest beneath a public parking facility, for a period of at least 500 years following their deaths.

It is believed that this unusual move and drastic change to tradition was made in accordance with media and PR expert’s advice on handling “more challenging” members of the Royal family.

The alleged child murderer and hunchback King Richard was unpopular with his own family, mainly because he kept bumping them off. He was described as “that poisonous hunchback’d toad,” by Shakespeare.

A top PR company that worked with the palace said:

“If he was around today, you would probably think of him as a horrible, power-mad, murderous psychopath. But in burying him for 500 years under a car park, albeit inadvertently, he’s been transformed into a mythical, romantic figure that everybody adores. Imagine if we could do the same thing with Beatrice and Eugenie,”

Possible sites for the burials have been put forward, including a pay and display near Lidl in Barnsley, West Yorkshire, and one near Bargain Booze in the center of Hanley.

The Penny Drops With Lesbians

Lesbians all over the world have had an epiphany, thanks to a Tweet from an unemployed man in Solihull. Social media experts predict that the world could become 70% less lesbian by tomorrow morning, thanks to this revelation.

Some Lesboes, lezzing each other up in a painting.

The Tweet, sent at 4.07 am on Saturday morning to nobody in particular, was spotted by a lesbian IT consultant, who claimed that it sent cold shivers down her spine. She immediately re-tweeted it to her Lesbian hive, and it was read and re-tweeted by millions of clam-tickling scissor-sisters all over the world.

“I was scrolling through Twitter on my ‘phone. I saw this Tweet. I read it. And then I read it again. And it was like lightening going off in my brain. I realised I’d been mistaken my whole life. I’m supposed to be getting married on Wednesday, but now I realise what a sham that would be, and I’ve called it off,”

The Tweet by Barry Snot from Solihull said:

“All yous lesbos why u go out with manly hosebeast when u cld have a real man? WOT A WAIST!!!”

“I went from making a cup of tea, to dripping like a Butlins water slide in five seconds flat after reading that Tweet,”

Said a lesbian from Brighton.

“I’m quite femme I suppose, but my girlfriend isn’t. All along I just thought I was wildly in a love with a woman with short hair that can mix an Old Faithful with her eyes shut, and knows her way around a fanny and a vintage Suzuki. Now I know I was wrong, and I actually fancy men. Can’t believe I’ve been so confused, LOL. Thank you Barry Snot. By the way, are you single?”

Marriage proposals from former lesbians have been pouring in for the laid-off factory manager from Manchester, who has shut his Twitter down in response to the overwhelming barrage of attention. His girlfriend is said to be “fuming”.

Scheme To Support Local Bullshit In Politics

A new scheme to support northern bullshit in politics has been proposed in the House of Lords. Once up and running, it should help usher in a new age of political bullshit in the North of England.

“We’re fed up of all that soft, shandy-drinking London bullshit,” said an MP. “What we’re proposing is a low-cost, environmentally friendly alternative. People forget that there’s plenty of bullshit around up North. Horseshit too. It’s just not as glittery and attractive, but northern politics is potentially capable of generating huge amounts of both bullshit and horseshit,”

The controversial bill, which would involve paying farmers even more money to turn large areas of sheep pasture in Wales into fields of male cows fed on purple GMO ‘Frankengrass’, is expected to pass next week.

When asked about the possibility of the North one day being able to sustain its own bullshit without requiring a truckload of southern bullshit to keep it going, Mr. Prescott said:

“By ‘eck, it’s bloody easy. All you have to do is get a load of bulls, feed’em some special grass and shovel up the muck,”

The North of England has traditionally clamped down on its use of bullshit in politics, favouring ‘No Bullshit’ leaders such as Arthur Skargill. But experts warn that social media is a huge consumer of bullshit.

“The amount of bullshit needed to maintain even just one London MP’s Twitter account could have kept an entire party afloat for a whole year in 1994,” warns beardy social media expert Martin Twat.

“Northern politicians are under enormous pressure to keep up with the levels of sycophantic bullshittery written by overpaid P.A.s in the south. It can take up to one entire male cow turd per tweet to produce that kind of carefully worded, self-important rot, and current levels of northern bullshit aren’t enough to sustain it long-term,”

Facebook To Test ‘Nobody Cares’ button

Popular social networking site Facebook is to add a new feature. As well as being able to ‘like’, comment or share a status, users will now be able to click a ‘Nobody Cares’ button.

The extra button, which will appear next to the ‘like’ button, will feature a small, crappy icon of a hand with its middle finger raised, next to the words ‘NOBODY CARES’.

It is expected to be popular with users whose Facebook friends post about going to the gym a lot, share Instagrams of their dinner, and post elevety trillion pictures of their ugly, howling children with Spaghetti Hoops all over their face.

Not all users are supportive of the new button. One anonymous user complained that it would take all of the fun out of ‘Vaguebooking’ – the practice of posting a passive-aggressive status about an unnamed user, designed to instil guilt and paranoia in other Facebook users.

“If I post up some vague, attention seeking claptrap designed to elicit sympathy from girls, I’m going to look a right muppet when all my mates click the ‘Nobody Cares’ button. I don’t like this new change at all,”

Said Brian Moron, a student from Merseyside.

Some users have criticised the move as a cynical attempt to hike up interactions on Facebook, so that they can charge advertisers more money.

“That’s exactly what it is,” said Oscar Satan, who is in charge of testing the new button. “We all know how rude people are on the Internet, when you can’t physically get punched in the face. This is just making it much easier to be rude and dismissive.

 

 

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