BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Matisse, the dog at the centre of the Britain’s Got Talent scandal has vowed to attend rehab, following accusations of cheating on the show.


“I need to address the issues I have with sausages” said Matisse in a press conference held earlier today.

It started off as a bit of fun, but my obsession with sausages has taken over my life. I will hold my paws up and admit that I got my mate Chase to walk the tightrope in the finale. I’m ashamed to say that I nipped backstage to scoff a Cumberland ring. This has gotten out of hand,”

Owner Julie O’Dwyer said that she was originally planning a fantasy sequence called ‘Indiana Bones and the Temple of Groom’ featuring an ancient Aztec grooming parlour and a giant rolly ball thing. But Matisse insisted on a storyline involving illegal sausage taking for the final leg of the show.

“I never expected the Pupparatzi to react like this. This is some woof justice, but there’s no way Matisse is going to bow wowt of the show with her tail between her legs. She was in the lead from the start, and this is just a pawful reaction,”

Old Punks To Be Recycled Into Sam Smith Fans

The controversial “Junk A Punk” scheme, aimed at boosting UK record sales will be trialled by councils across the country.

old punk

The pilot scheme will encourage the local community to bring in middle-aged punks and skinheads, and receive a refurbished middle-of-the road Sam Smith or Coldplay fan in return.

“This is an exciting new initiative, designed to boost ticket sales in larger venues, and to encourage the downloading of more mainstream music,” said Simon Cowell, enjoying a glass of blood at his solid gold mansion in L.A.

If you bring your old punk in, we’ll knock all of that Johnny Rotten nonsense out of them, give them a sensible new haircut and a pair of trousers or boot cut jeans from Next. We’ve got some very nice FCUK T-shirts with amusing slogans on, and we’ll use electric shock therapy to reprogram their music tastes to something more current. Then we’ll rehome them with a starter pack sponsored by U2, containing all of the music they’ve been missing out on,”

A spokesperson for Sony, who are backing the scheme and providing free IPods loaded with Mumford & Sons albums said:

It’s the kindest way really. You can’t just let people that still embrace a spirit of rebellion and listen to sweary music about it that we don’t own just wander the streets. We must exterminate. EXTERMINAAAAATE!”

Venues and small record labels are worried that the scheme could entirely undermine them.

“We’re aware of the issues, and plan to incorporate all of the record labels & venues affected into larger conglomerates,” said SONY.

“You can fuck right off,” said an elderly female punk earmarked for recycling. “I’m not normally a violent person. But touch my vinyls and I’ll Doc Marten your underpants out the back of your throat,”