shapeshifting – The Beezly Street Gazette

The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a healthy baby lizard, Kensington palace has confirmed.

The infant reptile, fourth in line to the throne, was hatched from a large, golden egg today, after being incubated for 9 months in a special chamber, designed to replicate the conditions of its home planet.

Royal lizard eggs require weekly human sacrifices, and these were selected from the crowds of dribbling sheeple that have been camped outside the hospital.

Hospital porter Dave Smith was one of the fortunate few to be selected for the royal lizard’s first feed. Before he went to his death, which involves his internal organs being sucked out via his eye sockets to feed the mewling, scaly infant, he told reporters how honoured he felt.

“It is truly an honour to serve my country by having my intestines slurped up like spaghetti by the royal princess. I leave behind a wife, two sons and a baby girl of my own. But this one is far more important,”

Nurses that witnessed the first royal feed said “awww, just like her Grandma” and “my my, hasn’t she got a healthy appetite?” as the remains of the porter crumpled up like an empty packet of crisps. The royal lizard is said to have doubled in size during the feed, and tried to eat the midwife.

Naked Sacrificial Victim Escapes From Buckingham Palace

Camera ‘phone footage of a naked man climbing out of a window in Buckingham palace has gone viral on Facebook and Twitter.

The Video, taken by tourists outside the Queen’s royal residence in London, shows a naked man climb down a bed sheet that is hanging out of the window, and fall several feet to a rooftop below, where he disappears out of sight.

A statement from the palace has been issued, claiming that the man was “Merely a sacrifice for Her Majesty, having shape-shifted into a giant reptile that morning,”

The man was in the middle of being prepared for Her Majesty’s lunch, when he climbed out of the window in a desperate bid to avoid being eaten alive toes-first by Her Royal Highness in her natural state as a ten foot tall Annuki Lizard.

It is unusual for Her Majesty to eat fully grown humans, as they are all stringy and taste like Smartprice ham. The victim is thought to be a rare or special human, possibly a virgin or a descendant of Mary Magdalene. He was re-captured by footmen shortly afterwards and re-prepared for sacrifice.