shape shifting – The Beezly Street Gazette

David Cameron’s Voodoo Doll Collection Uncovered

According to a cabinet insider, Prime Minister David Cameron has a large collection of ‘Voodoo Dolls’ in a secret room at number 10 Downing Street.

The dolls were said to be crafted by Cameron himself, a well-known practitioner of the Black Arts and shape-shifting lizard.

The unnamed Cabinet member said:

“He’s got a big doll in the shape of the letters NHS. When he’s in a mood, he goes into the room, lights a black candle and jumps up and down on it. There’s a big Ouija Board inscribed in the blood of the innocent in the middle of the room, which he uses to talk to Margaret Thatcher,”

The source goes on to describe how Cameron leads a Satanic mass before every Cabinet meeting, where various ‘Voodoo dolls’ are tortured and thrown around.

“He picked up the Nigel Farage one and made it walk across the table saying “Look at me, I’m a big plonker, hahahaha!” and poured a pint of ale over its head. Then he punched the Jobseekers doll in the stomach and threw it in the bin, and ordered Ian Duncan-Smith to flush its head down the toilet later,”

It is estimated that there are around 100 occult dolls in David Cameron’s possession, embedded with pins, knives and other sharp objects. Some of the dolls have disappeared, and it is believed that they have been fed to a powerful demon named Atos.

“There are a few that he hasn’t got around to mangling yet,”

Said the source.

“But it’s only a matter of time,”

Photograph from the fabulous TV Tropes website.

New Lizard Announced

The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a healthy baby lizard, Kensington palace has confirmed.

The infant reptile, fourth in line to the throne, was hatched from a large, golden egg today, after being incubated for 9 months in a special chamber, designed to replicate the conditions of its home planet.

Royal lizard eggs require weekly human sacrifices, and these were selected from the crowds of dribbling sheeple that have been camped outside the hospital.

Hospital porter Dave Smith was one of the fortunate few to be selected for the royal lizard’s first feed. Before he went to his death, which involves his internal organs being sucked out via his eye sockets to feed the mewling, scaly infant, he told reporters how honoured he felt.

“It is truly an honour to serve my country by having my intestines slurped up like spaghetti by the royal princess. I leave behind a wife, two sons and a baby girl of my own. But this one is far more important,”

Nurses that witnessed the first royal feed said “awww, just like her Grandma” and “my my, hasn’t she got a healthy appetite?” as the remains of the porter crumpled up like an empty packet of crisps. The royal lizard is said to have doubled in size during the feed, and tried to eat the midwife.