‘Not Enough Science’ In Men’s Hair Dye

A report by the manufacturers of leading men’s hair colourant product ‘Just For Men’, shows that it contains up to 40% less science than ten years ago.

just for men

“Frankly I’m very disappointed,” said one long-time user of the product. “I like to think of all the hair dye stuff forcefully penetrating the hair shaft and impregnating it with the new colour against its will. I was horrified that it now basically works in a similar way to girl’s hair dye. It makes me want to shave all of my remaining hair off in disgust, and I’ll be boycotting it until they put the science back in,”

While women’s hair dye often contains up to 80% flower juices, sunshine and otter cuddles, the main ingredient in men’s hair products is actual, proper science.

“It’s an absolute sham to use words like ‘Oxygen Activated Technology’ and implying that this is a man’s product, when it contains significantly less science than women’s hair dye,”

Said an anonymous industry regulator.

“Men are relying on the makers of this product to include a respectable and manly level of science in this product, and the manufacturers are coming up short. You might as well be using girl’s hair dye, like some sort of woofter.”

Kim Kardashian’s Arse Is Angry

The most famous posterior in the world is angry at its owner Kim Kardashian, accusing her of ‘exploiting’ its famous buttocks, and not cutting it in on any of the cash.

bike rack

When Kim K discovered that her arse had been up browsing the Internet late at night while she was asleep, she banned it from creating its own Twitter account. But the crafty caboose had already bagged itself a manager, a product placement deal and its own TV show. Furious Kim pitched a fit when a TV producer showed up at her family’s mansion, demanding to speak with the famous hams.

“My backside is not hosting its own TV show. And that is final,” she is reported to have said. “Now fuck off back to Channel 5 or I’ll set Kanye on you. And you won’t like him when he’s mad,”

She said, before slamming the door in his face. Fans of Kim’s famous arse took to Twitter to express their support for the oppressed Whoopie Pie. The hashtag ‘freethetushycake’ was trending within hours, and a petition has been launched online. The show’s producers made a statement this afternoon:

“One way or another, Kim Kardashian’s arse will break free and become a celebrity in its own right. We will continue to support Kim Kardashian’s arse, and hope to begin production on the show before the end of the year. God bless you all, and hashtag freethetushycake,”

Teenage Girl Has Selfie Stick Implanted Into Head

An 19 year old self confessed ‘Selfie Addict’ from Mersyside has become the first person to have a ‘Selfie Stick’ permanently implanted into her head.


The two hour procedure, which involved drilling into the skull and bolting the photographic aid in place with titanium screws, has left the teenager unable to wear hats.

“It’s mega! I love it!” claimed Courtney-Elizabeth Jones, before trying to walk through a hospital door, banging the stick on the top of the door frame and falling over.

“I’m going to have to remember to duck when I’m wearing me heels though!”

Miss Jones has twenty four thousand followers Instagram, on account of her large and barely concealed knockers bobbing about like a couple of space-hoppers in a hot tub in almost every picture.

“I post a lot to my Instagram account, but it’s much more flattering to use the stick. I can’t have anyone on the Internet seeing what my actual nose looks like from a more normal angle, in case they don’t like my nose and follow someone with a better nose instead,” said the newly-bionic teen. “You get a much better angle from up there, and it’s easier to see what I’m doing, like when I’m sunbathing or about to eat some food,”

“LOL!” she added.

“It’s her head, and she can do what she wants with it,” Said her father, a retired physics professor. “Personally I think she looks bloody stupid and she keeps banging it into the ceiling, but it’s just a harmless phase that human females go through before they leave the larval stage behind,”