Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

New research shows that vegetables and other plants “scream blue murder” as they are cooked or eaten. Although inaudible to the human ear, a special listening device placed on various vegetables turned the making of a simple salad into a “holocaust of horror”.

In a study on carrots, scientists found that carrots did not scream in a basket at the supermarket, or when placed into the salad shelf of a fridge. But according to researchers:

“The screaming began when the carrot was placed on a chopping board and peeled with a knife. And then all of the vegetables started screaming. It was like the front row of a One Direction concert. Disturbing stuff.

Said the scientist, who has since given up all fruits and vegetables, apart from ones he can sneak up on and quickly throw into boiling water “for a more humane death”.

“At least animals are dead when you eat them,” he added, shuddering.

Men Demand ‘Hardon’ Collider

After a spelling error in a BBC science report, men everywhere are demanding a ‘Hardon’ collider be built in every major town and city.

“I don’t know exactly what it involves, but it sounds brilliant!”

Said a 21 year old student from Leeds, adding:

“I’m always looking for new things to stick my family jewels in, and that sounds sort of rough and exciting, and a bit futuristic. I’d imagine it would involve angry bionic supermodels with shiny metal breasts,”

A 57 year old pervert from Milton Keynes said:

“I don’t quite know what it is either, which surprised me somewhat, as I am well versed in most erotic delights. ‘Colliding’ sounds very sensual to me, and I hope there are some sexy lady scientists operating it, with glasses on and stockings under their white coats. Phwoar. I hope we get one in Milton Keynes,”

Opinions on how the device would operate are split. Some men insist that it would send their John Thomas into another dimension, where a sexy lady alien might rub a boob on it. Others suggest that it would simply vibrate a lot and jiggle around better than an angry washing machine in an empty laundry room.

A small proportion of men believe that a Hardon collider sounds like a sort of jousting competition in a futuristic metal bunker, and are already selecting their team colours.

A petition has been organised, and funds are already being raised for development of the device.

“We don’t know what the hell it is or what it does,”

Said men everywhere.

“But superconducting quadrupole electromagnets being used to direct the beams to four intersection points, where interactions between accelerated protons will take place sounds absolutely filthy!”

Misophonia – Why You Get Angry When You Hear People Chew

We’ve all witnessed somebody eating with their mouth open, and probably felt like punching them in the face because it’s disgusting. But what if this made you feel almost uncontrollable rage?

A new study into a condition called Misophonia, that causes sufferers to become extremely stabby when they hear people chewing, claims to have pinpointed the exact cause of the problem.

The disorder, that makes sufferers want to kick the sandwich out of the noisy eater’s hand and poke them in the eye with a cocktail stick, is described as a selective sound sensitivity disorder.

The scientist that carried out the new study, herself a sufferer of mild Misophonia said:

“We’ve been looking at this all wrong and treating it as if it something weird and strange, instead of a perfectly sane reaction to a grown-assed adult chomping crisps on the Tube like the back end of a bin lorry. For heaven’s sake, were you raised by wolves or something? Can’t you bloody well hear yourself? Nobody wants to see food going around in your mouth like cement in a mixer. If you put a microphone up to your grandmother’s vagina while she was doing star jumps, that’s exactly how you sound. Grown-assed human beings that eat with their mouths open should be executed by firing squad, or at the very least locked away from civilised society. We shouldn’t be inventing diseases to excuse them,”

Common trigger noises for a fit of Misophonic rage, during which the sufferer is torn between setting fire to the maker of the slurpy noise, and running away with their hands over their ears, can include slurping, licking and gargling. The scientist claims that the problem lies with the maker of the noise, not the Misophonia sufferer.

“It’s just disgusting. You wouldn’t just drop your trousers and take a dump on the table in a café, so why do we need to see your sandwich waving goodbye?”

The scientist has called for Misophonia research funding to be cancelled, and all grants to be directed towards the anti-social mouth-breathers that have failed to master the art of closing their kissers in public when they eat.

“I really feel that some kind of aversion therapy would be effective. Such as if it was legal to punch people in the face if they don’t remember to shut their cakehole when it’s full of fries, the dirty beggers,”

Pomerainon Wasps Threaten To Torture Lobster Wasps Live On The Internet.

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps have responded to the childish taunts issued by North Korean Lobster Wasps, by building a torture chamber housed in a tiny TV studio.

The film appeared on Youtube, with actor hornets wearing comedy plastic claws playing the roles of the captured Pomeranian wasps.

The torture chamber is contained within a glass outer casing. There are several themed torture chambers that the captured hornets must pass through, after they have investigated the half-eaten Mr. Whippy cone that lies just inside the cunningly disguised entrance.

The entrance is hung with tiny velvet curtains, and a couple of sexy wasps with harem trousers and veils dance outside of it.  And a neon sign in the shape of a melted Rowntrees fruit lolly.

The captured wasp was is first strapped to a tiny bed, and subjected to degrading mechanical experiments of a sexual nature.

While this is going on, a tiny window appears with blue clouds and happy wasps flying about and stinging people.  The wasp (degraded and broken by now) suddenly regains its hope for the future and struggles to break free.

The cruel straps break, and the wasp flies towards the window – only to bash into it and fall into a massive silver sink, which is uncovered via a trapdoor in the floor.

If it survives flailing about a bit in the water, perhaps climbing onto a bit of potato peeling for safety, it will fly into the next room, which is even more deadly and degrading. This is left to the imagination of the viewer, but a dentist type drill can be heard in the background.

The final room is the execution room.  Guard Hornets grab the wasp again and force it into a chair that is splattered with that stuff that comes out of wasps, you know, wasp juice.  A tiny colander thing comes down upon its head.  It looks up to see a large hornet in a black hood with its leg on a switch. The lights flicker and the film ends.

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps issued a statement within 5 minutes of the film being uploaded to Youtube. It simply said:

“Alright, calm your tits you crazy bastards. We’ve decided to go to Australia instead,”

‘Punch In The Face’ Machine Launched

A new invention that punches people in the face on your behalf could hit the shelves as early as November.

Designed to be used on exes, traffic wardens, people whose dogs poo on your driveway every day and celebrities like James Blunt, the device uses facial & voice recognition technology, GPS and a boxing glove on a spring to administer a satisfying smack in the gob to the idiot of your choosing.

Designed to be activated by Smartphone, the device sits harmlessly in the garage next to the broken Hoover, until it receives a punch in the face order from its owner.

Once activated, it trundles clumsily out onto the street & makes it’s way to the address of the target.

With a top speed of 4 miles an hour, it can latch onto busses and other large vehicles for a speedier journey.

Upon arrival at the target’s home, it trundles up the path, whereupon a small stick emerges from the front of the device and raps smartly upon the door.

If the door is opened by the target, the boxing glove is activated and twats them in the gob. This is relayed back to the owner by a small camera mounted inside the glove.

If opened by another member of the public, the device will conceal itself in the bushes and wait for them to leave or enter the property.

When the mission is complete, the device will trundle grumpily home mumbling “Two thousand dollars worth of futuristic technology, and I all I ever do is punch people in the face,” and park itself in the garage.

Pomeranian Bollock-Wasps To Also Invade South Coast

The second in a 5 part series on the effects of global warming on the UK’s insect population.

Another unwelcome visitor to our native shores, the Pomeranian Bollock-Wasp a smaller, more deadly species of hornet than the North Korean Lobster Wasp, has been reported as far south as France last summer.

Named for the dangling, testicle like protrusions on their lower abdomens, these wasps are hot-headed, impulsive and deliver an agonising sting for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Originally from Pomerania, populations of the small and angry hornet have been spreading across the world with the rise of global warming.

Expert’s speculations vary about the species meeting in the UK, with some bug biologists warning that they could breed, producing a sparrow sized hornet with a sting the size of a hypodermic needle, earwig-like claws and a set of giggleberries like a six month old Saint Bernard. But stingy insect anthropologist Doctor Gordon Bennet claims that this is “extremely unlikely” as the North Korean wasps would kick the shit out of them and probably eat them balls-first before any breeding could occur.

Tension between the Korean and Pomeranian wasp species has been recorded in the past by Victorian scholars, who witnessed the Lobster wasps waving their claws “in a lewd and ungodly manner” outside the Bollock wasp’s nest, before being chased into the trees by a swarm of angry, large-testicaled hornets armed with tiny twigs and stones.

Both species of wasps are highly intelligent, and are rumoured to have invented their own versions of ice-cream, wrestling (with highly complex rules) and a sort of wasp version of the TV channels Sky Sports and Dave.

“Naturalists claim to have seen tiny TVs, wasps licking little ice cream cones and witnessed wasp wrestling matches,”

Said Dr. Bennet.

“But so far no-one has photographed or properly recorded them. They are well known to use rudimentary tools such as twigs, thorns and small stones in both building and warfare, but it remains to be seen if they will bring this technology to the UK, when they invade our shores this summer,”

This is part 2 in a 5 part series on the effects of global warming on the UK’s insect population.  Read Part 1 here.

 

Accidental Black Hole Condemned By Stephen Hawking

A rapidly expanding black hole, believed to have been caused by mysterious, Illuminati time-travel experiements at the CERN research facility in Switzerland, will crush and consume the entire planet by next Wednesday, according to scientists.

Artist’s impression of our galaxy by next Thursday

 

The fatal black hole debarcle that will destroy this galaxy and several others by next week, has been universally condemned by the scientific community. Eminent physicist Doctor Stephen Hawking called the team responsible “A clumsy. Bunch. Of. Toss. Errs,”

“We’d found that pesky Higgs Boson thing,” said a researcher at the facility this morning. “And somebody had the idea of trying to create a time machine by firing quarks about and getting our computers to do some really hard sums. It was just a bit of fun really. Nobody expected that a tiny but rapidly expanding black hole would appear and crush the entire universe,”

“You.  Don’t.  Fuck. With. Event. Horizons,” said Dr. Hawking.

“Unless. You. Are. A. Total. Fucktard.  Now. We’re. All. Going. To. Die. And. I. Haven’t. Finished. My. Book.”

Adding that he wished the entire team would step on a Lego before next Wednesday.

 

 

 

Jellyfish “Just Bastards” claim scientists

Marine Biologists that spent twelve years fitting jellyfish with ‘data loggers’ have finally published their findings.

A big, wobbly, yellow Jellybastard

“They’re just twats,” announced Dr. Albert Poisson of the Marine Biology Society in a recent press conference. “Couldn’t be more pointless, just floating around and mangling everything they come into contact with. You can’t eat them, you can’t play with them, and they’re not very interesting to look at. It’s just like a bunch of water has got together and decided to roam around fucking fish over. Most unpleasant,”

The $40 million dollar study, which involved some of the leading minds in the scientific community, has concluded that there is absolutely no point to jellyfish whatsoever, and that they are just floating bastards that roam around the ocean stinging things for no reason. The scientists did admit that the rare and endangered leatherback turtle eats them, but concluded that the turtles were just “being public-spirited”.

“We already know that some jellyfish can live for thousands of years because of their almost supernatural ability to re-generate their own cells perfectly,”

Said Dr. Sherry Fish.

“But we were intrigued as to why this was, and wondered if this was in some way beneficial to the eco-system of the planet. But we discovered, after extensive research, that this is not the case. Jellyfish have no impact, positive or negative on the health of the ocean or the creatures that live it in. They’re just kind of unpleasant and pointless,”

 

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