scandal – The Beezly Street Gazette

“I’ll never be able to look at his wrinkly old balls bouncing back and forth in the same way again,”

The words of one former fan of veteran porn baron Johnny Rockard from Bristol, after was outed as ‘John Langley’, parliamentary candidate for Ukip.

“It just makes me feel so dirty,”

Said another fan on Twitter.

After it was revealed that porn star Jonny Rockard was in fact Ukip parliamentary candidate ‘John Langley’, a senior porn official has stated that the industry is “proud” to represent people, whatever they do in their private lives – but that Rockard’s other career might compromise his movies.

“After all, we make a living sticking things up people’s bottoms, and we’re as diverse and bisexual as they cum, so we’re not really in a position to judge anyone. Unlike Ukip, we’re accepting of everybody. We’re very disappointed in Johnny, as this is all a bit distasteful and sordid. He’s going to have to have a long, hard, throbbing think about his future in this industry,”

Popular porn actress Busty McGuire has hit out at the revelation, saying she is “disgusted” and calling for his resignation from the grot industry, saying:

“This is entirely inappropriate, and I think he should resign. Porn is truly one of the most diverse, supportive and accepting industries. We all understand what it’s like to be the targets of discrimination and hate because of who we are, and I am just appalled that somebody within our ranks has turned out to be a dirty old Ukipper,”

Ministers To Cut Back On Orgies

One of the unspoken perks of being an MP is the huge range of sexual deviancy on offer, thanks to the almost unlimited ‘expenses’ that MPs may claim, for everything from Hobnob biscuits to ‘massages’ from triple-titted, gold plated porn stars. But MPs have been warned that they may have their perverted perks penalized, if they indulge in too many athletic, all night orgies with prostitutes and rent boys.

The watchdog that monitors MPs expenses made the recommendation, after it was clear that many MPs were falling asleep in the House of Commons, after staying up all night for a ‘Busty Massage’ from four stunning Eastern European strumpets, or from being unable to sit down after a vigorous bumming from a part time swimming instructor named Sergio (real name Gordon), who likes to dress as a strict school marm.

“This is money taken straight from the taxpayer’s purse, that ends up tucked into the frilly knickers of various gigolos, tarts and dominatrixes. It is essential that such activities do not impact the ability of MPs to just about stay awake after a long, boozy lunch at the taxpayer’s expense, or being able to sit down on the comfortable green benches without fear of further rectal damage. Therefore we recommend a maximum of 3 orgies a week,”

Said a report by the watchdog committee.