The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a healthy baby lizard, Kensington palace has confirmed.
The infant reptile, fourth in line to the throne, was hatched from a large, golden egg today, after being incubated for 9 months in a special chamber, designed to replicate the conditions of its home planet.
Royal lizard eggs require weekly human sacrifices, and these were selected from the crowds of dribbling sheeple that have been camped outside the hospital.
Hospital porter Dave Smith was one of the fortunate few to be selected for the royal lizard’s first feed. Before he went to his death, which involves his internal organs being sucked out via his eye sockets to feed the mewling, scaly infant, he told reporters how honoured he felt.
“It is truly an honour to serve my country by having my intestines slurped up like spaghetti by the royal princess. I leave behind a wife, two sons and a baby girl of my own. But this one is far more important,”
Nurses that witnessed the first royal feed said “awww, just like her Grandma” and “my my, hasn’t she got a healthy appetite?” as the remains of the porter crumpled up like an empty packet of crisps. The royal lizard is said to have doubled in size during the feed, and tried to eat the midwife.
The Beezly Street Gazette 