Vatican Warns ‘Satan Is Bumming You While You Do Yoga’

The Vatican’s chief exorcist has controversially stated that Yoga causes Satan to have bum sex with you.

yoga bumming

Father Gabriel Amorth, who has carried out more then 70 000 exorcisms during his 25 years as the Vatican’s chief exorcist said:

“You see, when you practise Yoga, Satan is actually bumming you really hard and slapping your behind and calling you his little love-pumpkin. And all of his imps are sitting around giggling and smoking crack while they watch. Sometimes he even lets them have a go,”

“Yoga is the devil’s work, and whenever you do a yoga pose, you can be sure that Satan is grinding away behind you, and going ‘mmmmm, yeah, you like that don’t you?’ and spitting in your hair,”

Said the elderly priest, brandishing a crucifix and checking behind the curtains for masturbating demons.

“And Harry Potter, that’s evil as well. Satan personally rubs his big red widge on every page and sticks his tongue in your ear the whole time you are reading it,”

He added:

“Don’t come running to me when your head spins around and you start vomiting locusts. I did warn you,”

A spokesman for the worldwide Yoga association said:

“Oh no, not that bloody loony again. Look. We don’t slag off your religion, so leave ours alone, you weird old bigot. Satan does not have sex with you while you are doing yoga. End of,”

“Yes he does!”

Replied Father Amorth. “And then he wipes his knob on your curtains!”

Photograph from The Telegraph

Skeletor to release fitness DVD ‘Abs Of Evil’

After a battle with drugs, a failed rap career & a stint on a Japanese game show, Evil He-Man necromancer Skeletor is to release a workout DVD this summer.

skeletor wiki

“Accursed wretches! I will smash your pathetic mortal bodies into smitherines and devour them. And then shit those loathsome smitherines into a bucket, and feed them to Jeremy Clarkson,”

Said the sorcerer, beaming the words directly into the minds of fitness fanatics everywhere, before kicking a chair across the room and stabbing Beastman in the leg with a fork for no reason.

Entitled “Abs Of Evil”, the DVD depicts the workout routine of the muscular star.

The routine begins with a vicious tirade, during which Skeletor taunts viewers for being weak and pathetic, and demonstrates his fitness prowess by climbing over He-Man’s garden fence, kicking his greenhouse down with his bare feet and urinating in his pond. He then pulls up all the flowers in the garden and throws them about, informing the viewers:

“So much beauty! I hate it! Fucking flowers, being all colourful and nice. Apart from the purple ones. They’re OK,”

Abs are particularly favoured in the DVD, which also gives general fitness advice like:

“Faster, you snivelling coward. Or I’ll remove your spleen through your left eye socket, and use it as an entree on ‘Come Dine With Me’,”


“The thing you’ve got to remember when you’re working the core, is that I could literally will you to hack your own head off with a plastic picnic knife, if I so desired. Which I probably would, because I am evil,”

The DVD will be available on Amazon, and features an introduction by celebrity client Katie Hopkins, who describes the routine as “Inspirational”.

Touching Poem From Heavy Metal Granny Goes Viral

An elderly heavy metal fan, who lived to the grand old age of 117 has left behind a touching poem for her 18 year old granddaughter.

heavy metal granny poem

Margaret “Motorhead” Braithwaite from Burlsem, Stoke-On-Trent, tragically passed away last Wednesday.   Her daughter found this heartfelt advice in her belongings. Addressed to her great granddaughter Kim, also a fan of bands such as Rammstien, it was shared on social media as a tribute, and has since gone viral.

“It is really touching and sweet, and I will treasure this forever,”

Said Kim.

Margaret’s poem:

I’ve had a long and lovely life

And now I’m old and grey

I’d like to share a secret

That has helped me on my way

Heavy metal, sex and drugs

Are brilliant things to do

If anybody says they’re not

Just smile and say…

Thank you!

My memories are so precious to me

Do you remember the Download all dayer?

When your dear old Granddad lifted me up

So I could show my tits to off to Slayer

Having kinks when you’re old is much less of a chore

It gets easier as every year passes

I used to tie up and blindfold your Granddad

And now I just hide his best glasses

And I’ll never forget the time, my dear

Just after we’d been to a party

Your Granddad had banged me so jolly hard

The neighbours thought we’d been bombed by the Nazis.

Or that time out in Spain, where I got a tattoo

And was up until 4am raving

Then we found German scat on channel 900

And now we’re both banned from Haven

So remember, just because you get old

And your bits and bobs go slightly crinkly

You don’t have to stop living or listening to metal

Just because your bum’s gone a bit wrinkly

All my love,

Granny Margaret.