sanctions – The Beezly Street Gazette

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”. TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Jobseekers To Receive Punch In Face On Birthday

Labour’s shadow Welfare and Pension’s minister has confirmed that jobseekers who are out of work for more than six months will receive a mandatory punch in the face on their birthday. The service is free, and was piloted with a voluntary birthday punch in the face scheme.

One jobseeker that took part in the voluntary scheme said:

“They told me they’d sanction my benefits if I didn’t turn up at half past one on my birthday. I was wearing a badge that said “Birthday Boy” on it. The woman behind the desk ripped it off my lapel, threw it out of the window and told me I didn’t deserve to wear badges. Then she asked me to sign a form telling me I would be punched in the face and confirming that it was my birthday. Somebody had written the wrong date down on a form, so that took four days to sort out. Then she put a boxing glove on and twatted me in the nose.”

“It is a very good initiative, and I really feel as though I am being helped back to work. Please don’t sanction my benefits, or I’ll have to eat my own feet or something,”

In a letter to Mr Cameron Miss Rees calls on the government to back the idea.

She writes:

“It’s not fucking rocket surgery. Just get a damned job. Be a bus driver or something. That’s what working class people do isn’t it? Drive busses and eat chicken McNuggets? Anyway, happy birthday you disgusting, smelly poor people. All 2 million of you,”