Ryanair Passengers Handed Sheets Of Sandpaper & Told To Shut Up

Passengers on board a Ryanair flight to London from Spain were handed sheets of coarsely graded sandpaper en route to the lavatory, and told to “shut up” and “stop your whining” by stewards.


It is understood that the three-hour flight was deliberately made without refilling the toilet tissue dispensers, in an effort to keep ticket prices low.

A spokesperson for Ryanair said in a statement:

“We planned to introduce a pay-per-poo charge in the aircraft lavatories, but this proved unpopular with passengers. When we tried to sell them toilet paper at £1.50 per sheet, passengers simply brought their own, or used the back pages of ’50 Shades Of Grey’. We had no alternative but to ban kitten-soft from the aircraft completely, and issue passengers with sheets of abrasive sanding material instead. The last thing we want is anyone enjoying a relaxing poo in-flight, without paying for it as an optional extra,”

Pensioner Sydney Biscuit, who regularly enjoys relaxing 40 minute dumps on Ryanair flights when he visits family in Milton Keynes said:

“They ought to string’em up and throw away the key! My poor old balloon knot feels like a chewed orange now. I can’t believe I died in the war for this kind of treatment,”

“Disgusting,” said his wife Edna Biscuit. “I’m not sure who to blame for this, but it was probably Katie Hopkins, the dirty bitch. They’ll be making us squat over a gaping hole in the floor next, with a little man dressed as Satan slapping you in the face if you take more than five minutes,”

“What an excellent idea,”

Said the Ryanair spokesperson.

“Let me just make a note of that,”

Safety Concern Over Ryanair Staff ‘Instructed In Satanism’

A leaked document, said to be from Ryanair’s air steward training department, appears to show instructions on how to lead passengers in a group Satanic ritual during an emergency.

Excerpts from the training manual were leaked on Twitter on Monday.  Ryanair have strenuously denied that its stewards have been trained in the art of begging Satan to guide the airplanes to safety, should the knackered old wings fall off mid-flight.

“In the event of an emergency, our highly trained staff will follow protocol, to guide passengers and crew to safety,”

Said a statement on their website.

“There is no truth in the rumours that our staff engage in blood rituals or satanic chanting as a last resort, should our rattly old engines conk out mid-flight, or that our wings are held on by No More Nails and bits of string,”

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