rights – The Beezly Street Gazette

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Patron saint of Ireland Saint Patrick has advised Irish people that aren’t gay to avoid marrying people of the same sex “to prevent any awkwardness and suchlike”.

Speaking in a disembodied voice from a patch of shamrocks near the reputed burial place of the visionary missionary, Saint Patrick advised the population that the referendum mostly wouldn’t affect them at all unless they were gay, in which case it would be “brilliant”.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this issue, and people are worried that it’s the slippery slope to marrying goats, upsetting baby Jesus and floods. But if the people of Ireland take a few sensible precautions, lads that don’t want to marry a fella should be able to avoid any problems with the proposed change in the law. The same goes for girls,”

Said the ghostly voice of the legendary holy man.

“There’s absolutely no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist. Baby Jesus is fine about it, and just wants everyone to love each other and all that. And let’s face it, it’s a great excuse for a knees-up,”

Spanish Government Unveil Brutal Hologram ‘Protest Police Squad’

The Spanish Government have unveiled their special task force of holographic, armed police officers to deal with future holographic protests, like the one held in front of parliament in Madrid.

A shot of the new holographic police squad, kicking shit through a peaceful activist for his own safety.

The ‘Citizen Safety Police’ will be entirely holographic, and armed with batons, tazers, handcuffs and mace. There will also be highly trained holographic police dogs, horses composed entirely of light, and two completely theoretical tanks authorised to fire on citizens, if it is deemed that they are endangering themselves.

Under Spain’s new ‘Gag Law’ or ‘Citizen Safety Law’ peacefully protesting outside a government building about, for example, a law that prevents citizens from peacefully protesting outside government buildings would be illegal.

A spokesperson for the Spanish Government said:

“You may think you’re very clever, projecting holograms onto a public building, avoiding being arrested and making us all look like pinche idiota. But next time, we will have tanks, dogs and holographic tazers. And we will round you all up, and put you in Hologram Prison!”