richard III – The Beezly Street Gazette

Less popular royals such as Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie and Prince Andrew, and possibly the ginger spare one if he dresses up as a Nazi again, are to be buried in car parks as part of their state funerals. The PR office for the Royal Family announced the adjustment this morning.

Following the public outpouring for the remains of controversial King Richard III, discovered in a car park in Leicester in 2012, the Queen has decreed that all members of the royal family that the public don’t really like very much, are to be laid to rest beneath a public parking facility, for a period of at least 500 years following their deaths.

It is believed that this unusual move and drastic change to tradition was made in accordance with media and PR expert’s advice on handling “more challenging” members of the Royal family.

The alleged child murderer and hunchback King Richard was unpopular with his own family, mainly because he kept bumping them off. He was described as “that poisonous hunchback’d toad,” by Shakespeare.

A top PR company that worked with the palace said:

“If he was around today, you would probably think of him as a horrible, power-mad, murderous psychopath. But in burying him for 500 years under a car park, albeit inadvertently, he’s been transformed into a mythical, romantic figure that everybody adores. Imagine if we could do the same thing with Beatrice and Eugenie,”

Possible sites for the burials have been put forward, including a pay and display near Lidl in Barnsley, West Yorkshire, and one near Bargain Booze in the center of Hanley.

ATOS Declare Richard III Fit For Work

A leaked email from an ATOS employee, describing the last Plantagenet king as a “lazy bastard” and “just pretending to be dead” has been strenuously defended by the French IT firm.

The company that carried out the Work Capability Assessment test on the deceased king, whose remains were found in a car park in 2012, controversially found him capable of working in an office, or performing light manual labour such as driving a forklift truck.

A spokesperson for Atos said:

“Being a withered pile of smelly old bones that have been rotting under a car park for several centuries, is not in itself a reason to sit around all day not working. We have recommended that the King be dug up immediately and placed on a back-to-work scheme, and have his benefits sanctioned for being a blood-sucking, lazy old bastard.

The Bishop of Leicester, who led the king’s re-internment ceremony has criticised the ruling, saying:

“This is absolutely disgusting. The man’s been dead since 1485, and is in no state to pack people’s shopping bags or sweep up popcorn at the Odeon. He wouldn’t even make a good security guard for a sleepy village shop. Anyway, we’ve just buried him, and we’re not digging him up again. The poor old corpse won’t know if he’s coming or going. Leave him alone,”