retro tv – The Beezly Street Gazette

“I wish I could fly,
Right up to the sky,
But I can’t,”

The mournful words of a baby bird in a nappy, that captured the nation’s hearts back in 1982.

Orville the duck began his maiden flight home today, and the light entertainment world is sad to see him go. It is thought that the death of his writing and comedy partner, the ventriloquist Keith Harris prompted his decision to fly to warmer shores.

Even Cuddles the Monkey, Orville’s fiercest rival tweeted:

“I hate that duck! But I’ll miss him,”

Longtime pal Roland Rat said in a statement:

“This is really shit maaaaaan. I’m proper bummed out by the news. He was a gentleman and a fantastic entertainer,”

Gordon the Gopher is said to be “inconsolable” and Edd the Duck described him as an “inspiration and a true professional”.

“He influenced and entertained a whole generation,”

Said Edd the Duck, adding that his trademark green Mohican was inspired by Orville’s fluffy green coat.

Basil Brush told press this afternoon:

“The thing I’ll always remember about Orville, was that he had a lot of integrity. Sure, he could get his own way with those big eyes, and we had our share of fun behind the scenes. But I’ll never forget him telling Ricky Gervais to shove his poxy script up his arse, when it turned out he wanted Keith to be a racist bigot on ‘Extras’. I thought to myself then, that’s a duck with principles as well as talent. Boom boom!”

Skeletor to release fitness DVD ‘Abs Of Evil’

After a battle with drugs, a failed rap career & a stint on a Japanese game show, Evil He-Man necromancer Skeletor is to release a workout DVD this summer.

“Accursed wretches! I will smash your pathetic mortal bodies into smitherines and devour them. And then shit those loathsome smitherines into a bucket, and feed them to Jeremy Clarkson,”

Said the sorcerer, beaming the words directly into the minds of fitness fanatics everywhere, before kicking a chair across the room and stabbing Beastman in the leg with a fork for no reason.

Entitled “Abs Of Evil”, the DVD depicts the workout routine of the muscular star.

The routine begins with a vicious tirade, during which Skeletor taunts viewers for being weak and pathetic, and demonstrates his fitness prowess by climbing over He-Man’s garden fence, kicking his greenhouse down with his bare feet and urinating in his pond. He then pulls up all the flowers in the garden and throws them about, informing the viewers:

“So much beauty! I hate it! Fucking flowers, being all colourful and nice. Apart from the purple ones. They’re OK,”

Abs are particularly favoured in the DVD, which also gives general fitness advice like:

“Faster, you snivelling coward. Or I’ll remove your spleen through your left eye socket, and use it as an entree on ‘Come Dine With Me’,”

And:

“The thing you’ve got to remember when you’re working the core, is that I could literally will you to hack your own head off with a plastic picnic knife, if I so desired. Which I probably would, because I am evil,”

The DVD will be available on Amazon, and features an introduction by celebrity client Katie Hopkins, who describes the routine as “Inspirational”.