results – The Beezly Street Gazette

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Entire Country Smacked And Sent To Bed After Election

Everybody apart from Scotland is required to smack themselves on the bottom with a slipper and send themselves to bed with no tea, after this year’s election results.

Mum of three Norma Jones said she had thrown the nice lasagne and bottle of wine she was keeping for Friday in the bin, and was planning on sending herself and her husband to bed at half past six with no Wifi or giggling.

Geography teacher Leonard Powell said “It’s not just everyone else I’ve let down. I’ve let myself down as well. I was going to pop to the pub tonight as it’s been a rough week, but I’m going to sit in my bedroom in the dark with no heating on and mark some homework by candlelight,”

Anybody caught out on the street after half past six this evening will be made to copy out David Cameron’s autobiography in their neatest handwriting, and then throw it in the bin.