Judges Allowed To Access Porn On Lunch Breaks

Following the recent sacking and resignation of four judges for accessing pornography on their computers at work, there has been a change in the law to allow them to browse pornographic material during their lunch breaks.


The Judicial Conduct Investigations Office has stated that looking at women’s busts and bacon butterflies during working hours was an “inexcusable misuse of IT accounts”, but has laid out new guidelines for accessing erotica during official lunch breaks.

“Judges are notoriously out of touch with the real world and technology, and have only recently discovered the Pandora’s Box of filth available to them at the click of a mouse. Most judges have heard of the Internet, but have no idea how to work an computer mouse, and would probably try to beat it to death with a slipper rather than use it to access XHamster.com.

“On top of the sacking and public shaming, at least one ex judge has been financially fleeced by a twenty-stone Norwegian con-artist posing as a busty porn star named Tits Mgee, and has been forced to sell two of his homes. That goes some way towards showing how new and exciting it is for them,”

Said a spokesperson for the Investigations office.

“Hopefully these new guidelines will allow judges to access videos of German people doing unspeakable things to fruit, vegetables and each other, at a more appropriate time of day,”

Ukip’s Only Magic Gay Penguin Resigns

The only magic gay penguin in Ukip has spectacularly quit the party.

 penguin 2

Bernard, a magic penguin from the North Pole, who has been in a same sex relationship with another penguin for over fifteen years, stepped down from his position as treasurer for the Blackpool branch of the party yesterday.

“Last night I stepped down as treasurer and gave up my membership of Ukip. I found that I couldn’t convincingly campaign for the party any more. I don’t think they even like penguins to be perfectly honest. I think they were just after my magical powers and general wobbly cuteness to attract other penguins to vote.

Bernard believes that only opposite sex penguins should be allowed to marry.

Bernard believes that only opposite sex penguins should be allowed to marry.

I’m a deeply religious penguin, so I won’t be getting married to my soul mate any time soon, even though penguins do mate for life. God doesn’t like gay penguins getting married, even if he’s cool with civil partnerships,”