Misophonia – Why You Get Angry When You Hear People Chew

We’ve all witnessed somebody eating with their mouth open, and probably felt like punching them in the face because it’s disgusting. But what if this made you feel almost uncontrollable rage?


A new study into a condition called Misophonia, that causes sufferers to become extremely stabby when they hear people chewing, claims to have pinpointed the exact cause of the problem.

The disorder, that makes sufferers want to kick the sandwich out of the noisy eater’s hand and poke them in the eye with a cocktail stick, is described as a selective sound sensitivity disorder.

The scientist that carried out the new study, herself a sufferer of mild Misophonia said:

“We’ve been looking at this all wrong and treating it as if it something weird and strange, instead of a perfectly sane reaction to a grown-assed adult chomping crisps on the Tube like the back end of a bin lorry. For heaven’s sake, were you raised by wolves or something? Can’t you bloody well hear yourself? Nobody wants to see food going around in your mouth like cement in a mixer. If you put a microphone up to your grandmother’s vagina while she was doing star jumps, that’s exactly how you sound. Grown-assed human beings that eat with their mouths open should be executed by firing squad, or at the very least locked away from civilised society. We shouldn’t be inventing diseases to excuse them,”

Common trigger noises for a fit of Misophonic rage, during which the sufferer is torn between setting fire to the maker of the slurpy noise, and running away with their hands over their ears, can include slurping, licking and gargling. The scientist claims that the problem lies with the maker of the noise, not the Misophonia sufferer.

“It’s just disgusting. You wouldn’t just drop your trousers and take a dump on the table in a café, so why do we need to see your sandwich waving goodbye?”

The scientist has called for Misophonia research funding to be cancelled, and all grants to be directed towards the anti-social mouth-breathers that have failed to master the art of closing their kissers in public when they eat.

“I really feel that some kind of aversion therapy would be effective. Such as if it was legal to punch people in the face if they don’t remember to shut their cakehole when it’s full of fries, the dirty beggers,”

Accidental Black Hole Condemned By Stephen Hawking

A rapidly expanding black hole, believed to have been caused by mysterious, Illuminati time-travel experiements at the CERN research facility in Switzerland, will crush and consume the entire planet by next Wednesday, according to scientists.

Artist's impression of our galaxy by next Thursday

Artist’s impression of our galaxy by next Thursday


The fatal black hole debarcle that will destroy this galaxy and several others by next week, has been universally condemned by the scientific community. Eminent physicist Doctor Stephen Hawking called the team responsible “A clumsy. Bunch. Of. Toss. Errs,”


“We’d found that pesky Higgs Boson thing,” said a researcher at the facility this morning. “And somebody had the idea of trying to create a time machine by firing quarks about and getting our computers to do some really hard sums. It was just a bit of fun really. Nobody expected that a tiny but rapidly expanding black hole would appear and crush the entire universe,”

“You.  Don’t.  Fuck. With. Event. Horizons,” said Dr. Hawking.

“Unless. You. Are. A. Total. Fucktard.  Now. We’re. All. Going. To. Die. And. I. Haven’t. Finished. My. Book.”

Adding that he wished the entire team would step on a Lego before next Wednesday.