Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Patron saint of Ireland Saint Patrick has advised Irish people that aren’t gay to avoid marrying people of the same sex “to prevent any awkwardness and suchlike”.

saint patrick

Speaking in a disembodied voice from a patch of shamrocks near the reputed burial place of the visionary missionary, Saint Patrick advised the population that the referendum mostly wouldn’t affect them at all unless they were gay, in which case it would be “brilliant”.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this issue, and people are worried that it’s the slippery slope to marrying goats, upsetting baby Jesus and floods. But if the people of Ireland take a few sensible precautions, lads that don’t want to marry a fella should be able to avoid any problems with the proposed change in the law. The same goes for girls,”

Said the ghostly voice of the legendary holy man.

“There’s absolutely no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist. Baby Jesus is fine about it, and just wants everyone to love each other and all that. And let’s face it, it’s a great excuse for a knees-up,”

Vatican Warns ‘Satan Is Bumming You While You Do Yoga’

The Vatican’s chief exorcist has controversially stated that Yoga causes Satan to have bum sex with you.

yoga bumming

Father Gabriel Amorth, who has carried out more then 70 000 exorcisms during his 25 years as the Vatican’s chief exorcist said:

“You see, when you practise Yoga, Satan is actually bumming you really hard and slapping your behind and calling you his little love-pumpkin. And all of his imps are sitting around giggling and smoking crack while they watch. Sometimes he even lets them have a go,”

“Yoga is the devil’s work, and whenever you do a yoga pose, you can be sure that Satan is grinding away behind you, and going ‘mmmmm, yeah, you like that don’t you?’ and spitting in your hair,”

Said the elderly priest, brandishing a crucifix and checking behind the curtains for masturbating demons.

“And Harry Potter, that’s evil as well. Satan personally rubs his big red widge on every page and sticks his tongue in your ear the whole time you are reading it,”

He added:

“Don’t come running to me when your head spins around and you start vomiting locusts. I did warn you,”

A spokesman for the worldwide Yoga association said:

“Oh no, not that bloody loony again. Look. We don’t slag off your religion, so leave ours alone, you weird old bigot. Satan does not have sex with you while you are doing yoga. End of,”

“Yes he does!”

Replied Father Amorth. “And then he wipes his knob on your curtains!”

Photograph from The Telegraph

Starbucks To Open On Top Of Bulldozed Assyrian City

Starbucks have announced plans to open a new branch on top of the ancient Assyrian city, which IS began to demolish on Thursday.


The company has promised to incorporate elements of priceless ruins and artefacts, now flattened into smithereens by mad numpties in bulldozers, into its interior design and construction. There will be murals with winged statues on, and a special type of coffee drink called “The Nimrud” that will have a picture of a winged bull on it.

“And there will be coconut milk as well, for people that don’t like cow milk,”

Said a spokesperson for Starbucks.

Archaeologists and officials have expressed concern that Starbucks is already bloody everywhere, and that there is absolutely no need to build one on top of the ancient city of Nimrud, tragically attacked last week by religious loons.

“Too late, we’ve already built it,”

Said the spokesperson.

“We 3D printed it in concrete, and the foundations are already up. It’s got gargoyles on. It looks brilliant,”

“We 3D printed it in concrete, and the foundations are already up. It’s got gargoyles on. It looks brilliant,”