rehab – The Beezly Street Gazette

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Matisse, the dog at the centre of the Britain’s Got Talent scandal has vowed to attend rehab, following accusations of cheating on the show.

“I need to address the issues I have with sausages” said Matisse in a press conference held earlier today.

It started off as a bit of fun, but my obsession with sausages has taken over my life. I will hold my paws up and admit that I got my mate Chase to walk the tightrope in the finale. I’m ashamed to say that I nipped backstage to scoff a Cumberland ring. This has gotten out of hand,”

Owner Julie O’Dwyer said that she was originally planning a fantasy sequence called ‘Indiana Bones and the Temple of Groom’ featuring an ancient Aztec grooming parlour and a giant rolly ball thing. But Matisse insisted on a storyline involving illegal sausage taking for the final leg of the show.

“I never expected the Pupparatzi to react like this. This is some woof justice, but there’s no way Matisse is going to bow wowt of the show with her tail between her legs. She was in the lead from the start, and this is just a pawful reaction,”

Peppa Pig In Rehab For Drug And Alcohol Addiction

The animated star of British preschool TV show ‘Peppa Pig’ has gone into rehab to treat an £800 a day drug habit.

“She’s put so much coke up that snout of hers, I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off,” said one of the other animals on the show, who declined to be named.

“She’s alright if she’s had a sniff, and she smokes a lot of weed to calm her nerves. But you can tell when she hasn’t had her fix, because she starts arguments with producers and refuses to come out of her trailer. The rabbits won’t go anywhere near her, after she got one up against the wall and accused it of trying to put her off her lines,”

Although Peppa Pig is often seen happily jumping in muddy puddles, in real life Peppa is “pathologically phobic” of mud and germs, leading to the actress feeling stressed and “abusing drugs in order to cope with the demands of the show,”

It is claimed that many of the show’s tearful scenes involving George, who plays Peppa’s little brother, are not staged or scripted.

“She’s an absolute shit to him. It’s horrible to watch,”

Said a former producer of the show. “But the director loves it. They have this sort of agreement, where she’ll just start teasing him and making him cry, and they keep the camera rolling until he’s in tears. It’s absolutely barbaric, but it gets the ratings, and that’s really all she cares about,”

Peppa is expected to remain at the plush rehabilitation center in Surrey for two weeks, in an attempt to break free from the cocktail of prescription and illegal drugs that she claims “Get me through the day,”

The decision was prompted after Peppa threw a tantrum on set, calling the director and crew ‘wankers’ and the other cast members ‘nobody, two-bit, animated bastards,”

“It was out of character,”

Claimed the director. “She’s been under a lot of stress recently, and the drinking and drugs have just compounded that. We’re all very supportive of Peppa, and we wish her all the best. The rumours of a spin-off, post watershed adventure without Peppa aren’t true, and we hope to see her back on our screens soon,”