quotes – The Beezly Street Gazette

Unexploded Katie Hopkins Found In Central London

An army bomb disposal squad was today trying to remove an unexploded former ‘Apprentice’ candidate with a face like a slapped arse and three miserable kids, from a building in Central London.

Speaking on LBC live, Boris Johnson said:

“We can’t take any risks with the thing. We’re going to cart it off to Kent and blow it up,”

The reality TV star, who was discovered in the basement of a building in the Tower Bridge area of London, was in “significant danger” of exploding, said disposal experts.

A spokesperson for the London Fire Brigade said:

“This is a densely populated area, and there is a diverse mixture of people living and working here. If detonated, the Katie Hopkins could launch into a demonic tirade about absolutely anybody.

The evacuation zone around Katie Hopkins is home to more than 1200 people. A local resident, who has been forced to sleep in a community centre said:

“I’m not allowed to go home until the malignant old relic has been disposed of. I hope they hurry up and explode the terrible artefact, before it breeds or goes on This Morning again,”

Prince Philip ‘No Longer Britain’s Best Bigot’ Claims Jeremy Clarkson

‘Top Gear’ presenter Jeremy Clarkson has smashed the leading score on Top Gear’s “Racist Reasonably In Favour With The Public” leader board.

“That’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone from Allen Partridge to Princess Diana in the public eye,”

Said host Richard Hammond, referring to the petition to reinstate Clarkson.

In an interview about the controversy, Clarkson said:

“If Jonathan Ross called his dog Fatima Whitbread, smirked about it on Twitter and then tried to chin a producer during a tantrum, he’d be down the Jobcentre right now. It’s right there at the top of the board and official now. I’m currently the best bigot reasonably in favour with the public,”

Prince Phillip has consistently topped the leader board, despite the Top Gear team having to knock ten points off for him a royal, and fifteen points for being a senile, out of touch old cabbage-fart. But this time Clarkson has smashed it, destroyed it, ripped it up, and other euphemisms for achievement that sound sort of violent and manly.

“I’m relived in a way,”

Said a Top Gear fan from Grimsby.

“I was worried that when Prince Phillip pops his clogs, we won’t have anyone to regularly give us our vicarious racist thrill by insulting people in public and not ending up a jobless, social pariah, and we’d have to just keep watching ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ on repeat all the time,”