Queen of England – The Beezly Street Gazette

The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a healthy baby lizard, Kensington palace has confirmed.

The infant reptile, fourth in line to the throne, was hatched from a large, golden egg today, after being incubated for 9 months in a special chamber, designed to replicate the conditions of its home planet.

Royal lizard eggs require weekly human sacrifices, and these were selected from the crowds of dribbling sheeple that have been camped outside the hospital.

Hospital porter Dave Smith was one of the fortunate few to be selected for the royal lizard’s first feed. Before he went to his death, which involves his internal organs being sucked out via his eye sockets to feed the mewling, scaly infant, he told reporters how honoured he felt.

“It is truly an honour to serve my country by having my intestines slurped up like spaghetti by the royal princess. I leave behind a wife, two sons and a baby girl of my own. But this one is far more important,”

Nurses that witnessed the first royal feed said “awww, just like her Grandma” and “my my, hasn’t she got a healthy appetite?” as the remains of the porter crumpled up like an empty packet of crisps. The royal lizard is said to have doubled in size during the feed, and tried to eat the midwife.

Queen Turns Into Lizard, Nearly Eats French Baby

The Queen of England briefly turned into a large lizard on Wednesday afternoon.

The shapeshifting incident happened in France, in full view of 2 camera crews, members of the military, and the entire staff and pupils of a French primary school during a state visit.

According to eyewitnesses, Her Majesty appeared to ‘flicker like a knackered telly’ for a few seconds, before her hat fell off and she turned into an eight foot reptile with beady little eyes.

“She, well, it, just stood there, sniffing the air for a few seconds. We weren’t sure what the protocol was, and it seemed impolite to run away,” said the head of security for the event. “We believe that Her Majesty had missed breakfast that morning, causing an uncharacteristic shift into her natural form of an 8 foot, baby-eating reptile,”

Said one of the teachers, visibly shaken by the incident. Her Majesty the Queen then opened her gaping, toothy maw to reveal a long, red tongue with a slit at the end. The Queen’s lizard tongue then snaked towards a parent of one of the children, who was holding a new born baby girl.

“I looked into the empty, beady eyes of death, and realised that the Queen was tasting my baby, and possibly planned to eat it. I stayed very calm and said “No Ma’am, I’m afraid you cannot eat my baby,” and curtseyed as hard as I could,”

It was then that the Queen appeared to flicker again, and shape-shifted back into her human form. A footman retrieved her hat, and the Queen happily posed for photographs of the school’s new media wing.