protests – The Beezly Street Gazette

David Cameron Appoints Katie Hopkins As Minister For Spite

David Cameron has appointed Sun columnist Katie Hopkins as minster for Spite. Her duties will include closing hospital wings, thinking up new sanctions for the Job Centre and wandering around the streets of London kicking busker’s hats over.

An expert on both virulence and malevolence, Hopkins is unusual in having not served as an MP prior to her appointment. It is widely believed that she may have a ‘dossier of dirt’ on one or more members of the cabinet, possibly involving copious quantities of Swarfega and the services of an elderly goat, which the unnamed cabinet member may have drunkenly mistaken for Katie herself.

Prime Minster David Cameron said in a statement.

“It is vital that that the poor, the sick and the disabled are punished. For too long, this country has been headed out of the dark ages. I believe that Katie Hopkins is the woman to lead us into an age of bleak, dribbling backwardness the like of which has not been seen since medieval times. She may be half-goat, half Shakespearian witch and probably a secret Nazi in her spare time, but she is all Tory,”

LOLCats React To Spain’s New Gag Law

In an effort to tackle police brutality, pesky protestors and ordinary people demanding their moral and human ‘rights’, Spanish Congress has just gone “fuck it” and made a law to send the entire country back to the Dark Ages. We asked a couple of cats with surprised expressions what they thought of the new law.

A spokesperson for Spanish Congress said:

“If we just make photographing the police illegal, organising informal protests on Twitter illegal, charge people loads of money to appeal a court’s decision, let the police have blacklists of people that don’t agree with them, bollock people harshly for civil disobedience and give the police more authority, it’s game over for all these aresey, ordinary people with an axe to grind. Bingo, no more complaining,”

“Hey, whoa, hang on a minute. What century are we living in?”
Said a ginger tom cat from Australia.

The new set of offenses, complete with fines ranging from one hundred to thirty thousand Euros, or prison, come under the new law entitled ‘Citizen Safety Law’.