Ryanair Passengers Handed Sheets Of Sandpaper & Told To Shut Up

Passengers on board a Ryanair flight to London from Spain were handed sheets of coarsely graded sandpaper en route to the lavatory, and told to “shut up” and “stop your whining” by stewards.


It is understood that the three-hour flight was deliberately made without refilling the toilet tissue dispensers, in an effort to keep ticket prices low.

A spokesperson for Ryanair said in a statement:

“We planned to introduce a pay-per-poo charge in the aircraft lavatories, but this proved unpopular with passengers. When we tried to sell them toilet paper at £1.50 per sheet, passengers simply brought their own, or used the back pages of ’50 Shades Of Grey’. We had no alternative but to ban kitten-soft from the aircraft completely, and issue passengers with sheets of abrasive sanding material instead. The last thing we want is anyone enjoying a relaxing poo in-flight, without paying for it as an optional extra,”

Pensioner Sydney Biscuit, who regularly enjoys relaxing 40 minute dumps on Ryanair flights when he visits family in Milton Keynes said:

“They ought to string’em up and throw away the key! My poor old balloon knot feels like a chewed orange now. I can’t believe I died in the war for this kind of treatment,”

“Disgusting,” said his wife Edna Biscuit. “I’m not sure who to blame for this, but it was probably Katie Hopkins, the dirty bitch. They’ll be making us squat over a gaping hole in the floor next, with a little man dressed as Satan slapping you in the face if you take more than five minutes,”

“What an excellent idea,”

Said the Ryanair spokesperson.

“Let me just make a note of that,”

Homeless To Avoid Police Brutality By ‘Beating Selves Up First’

Homeless and transient persons are to be instructed on avoiding the tragic consequences of resisting arrest by the LAPD, by beating themselves senseless with their own fists first.


“It’s a swift and simple procedure that any transient or homeless person, even those with severe mental illness or the physically frail can follow,”

Said an LAPD spokesman.

“What you’ve got to remember, is that there are only two to four Police officers with guns, batons and training to every one homeless person acting suspiciously and not doing as they’re told. It’s a great inconvenience for multiple officers to have to beat the shit out of, shoot and Taser one uppetty and unarmed vagrant. If we all work together on this, officers can spend less time breaking the arms of tramps for not moving their meagre possessions to another destination, and more time hassling black teenagers that are minding their own business,”

The scheme, the first of its kind in the US, will see teams of police officers head out to the streets, to show the homeless how to respond when approached by an officer. It is expected to cut fatalities in half, as vagrants will be instructed to brutally punch themselves in the face three times and lie face down on the floor as soon as they see a police officer approach them.

“This is an exciting initiative, which will involve the whole community. If this takes off, we could see a huge drop in police brutality,”

Said the spokesperson.

“By 2016 we could even be getting ethnic minorities to hassle each other, leaving us more time to eat donuts and deal with rich-people crime,”