prince william – The Beezly Street Gazette

The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a healthy baby lizard, Kensington palace has confirmed.

The infant reptile, fourth in line to the throne, was hatched from a large, golden egg today, after being incubated for 9 months in a special chamber, designed to replicate the conditions of its home planet.

Royal lizard eggs require weekly human sacrifices, and these were selected from the crowds of dribbling sheeple that have been camped outside the hospital.

Hospital porter Dave Smith was one of the fortunate few to be selected for the royal lizard’s first feed. Before he went to his death, which involves his internal organs being sucked out via his eye sockets to feed the mewling, scaly infant, he told reporters how honoured he felt.

“It is truly an honour to serve my country by having my intestines slurped up like spaghetti by the royal princess. I leave behind a wife, two sons and a baby girl of my own. But this one is far more important,”

Nurses that witnessed the first royal feed said “awww, just like her Grandma” and “my my, hasn’t she got a healthy appetite?” as the remains of the porter crumpled up like an empty packet of crisps. The royal lizard is said to have doubled in size during the feed, and tried to eat the midwife.

Royal Baby Name Confirmed As ‘Chuck Norris’

A leaked memo from Kensington Palace suggests that the royal baby is to be named ‘Chuck Norris’.

The memo suggests that Kate is not 100% on board with the name ‘Chuck Norris’, but that William wanted to name the princess after the acclaimed movie hard-man immediately.

“The first thing she did when I met her was whack me in the face with her tiny hand. Chuck Norris is a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. And she didn’t want to come out. Chuck Norris wouldn’t stand for being born until he was ready to be born. I think it’s a cool name,”

The Prince is believed to have said. Kate appears to have wrinkled up her nose and shook her head at the suggestion. It has been tactfully suggested that the Duchess may have been under the influence of medication when she told the prince to ‘knob off’ and ‘you’re not calling my little girl Chuck Norris, that’s a stupid idea”.

The memo goes on to state that the Queen is also a Chuck Norris fan, and may be open to flexibility when it comes to the name of the princess, who is fourth in line to the throne.

Although the Queen does not officially name royal babies, it is believed that she tends to favour traditional names over more exotic choices. The princesses Beatrice and Eugenie were originally to be called Kathryn and Elizabeth, but Fergie changed her mind last minute and selected the most nouveou-riche names she could think of, just to annoy her.