Porn Star Outed As Ukip Candidate

“I’ll never be able to look at his wrinkly old balls bouncing back and forth in the same way again,”

The words of one former fan of veteran porn baron Johnny Rockard from Bristol, after was outed as ‘John Langley’, parliamentary candidate for Ukip.

PAY-Johnny-Rockard

“It just makes me feel so dirty,”

Said another fan on Twitter.

After it was revealed that porn star Jonny Rockard was in fact Ukip parliamentary candidate ‘John Langley’, a senior porn official has stated that the industry is “proud” to represent people, whatever they do in their private lives – but that Rockard’s other career might compromise his movies.

“After all, we make a living sticking things up people’s bottoms, and we’re as diverse and bisexual as they cum, so we’re not really in a position to judge anyone. Unlike Ukip, we’re accepting of everybody. We’re very disappointed in Johnny, as this is all a bit distasteful and sordid. He’s going to have to have a long, hard, throbbing think about his future in this industry,”

Popular porn actress Busty McGuire has hit out at the revelation, saying she is “disgusted” and calling for his resignation from the grot industry, saying:

“This is entirely inappropriate, and I think he should resign. Porn is truly one of the most diverse, supportive and accepting industries. We all understand what it’s like to be the targets of discrimination and hate because of who we are, and I am just appalled that somebody within our ranks has turned out to be a dirty old Ukipper,”

Judges Allowed To Access Porn On Lunch Breaks

Following the recent sacking and resignation of four judges for accessing pornography on their computers at work, there has been a change in the law to allow them to browse pornographic material during their lunch breaks.

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The Judicial Conduct Investigations Office has stated that looking at women’s busts and bacon butterflies during working hours was an “inexcusable misuse of IT accounts”, but has laid out new guidelines for accessing erotica during official lunch breaks.

“Judges are notoriously out of touch with the real world and technology, and have only recently discovered the Pandora’s Box of filth available to them at the click of a mouse. Most judges have heard of the Internet, but have no idea how to work an computer mouse, and would probably try to beat it to death with a slipper rather than use it to access XHamster.com.

“On top of the sacking and public shaming, at least one ex judge has been financially fleeced by a twenty-stone Norwegian con-artist posing as a busty porn star named Tits Mgee, and has been forced to sell two of his homes. That goes some way towards showing how new and exciting it is for them,”

Said a spokesperson for the Investigations office.

“Hopefully these new guidelines will allow judges to access videos of German people doing unspeakable things to fruit, vegetables and each other, at a more appropriate time of day,”