Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”.  TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Nigel Farage To Be Recycled Into Gregg’s Pasties

Ukip leader Nigel Farage is to be recycled into Gregg’s corned beef pasties, the party has announced.

Mr. Farage was a “fantastic leader and a great political communicator, and is going to taste really nice and succulent encased in pastry,” Suzanne Evans told the BBC’s Andrew Marr show.

“The time has come for Nigel to be fried up with a vat of onions and turned into corned beef pasties, for the hard working voters of this nation to finally enjoy,”

She added, noting that he would be the first party leader to be turned into savoury pastries, but wishing him all the best on his journey down the oesophaguses of lorry drivers, post men and women and students.

“I didn’t vote for him, but I would definitely eat a Nigel Farage pasty,”

Said a Gregg’s customer.

“I like all the normal ones like the corned beef one and the cheese & onion, and the sandwiches are nice as well. But it’s a real treat when they do special occasion pastry slices, and I think this one would go down a treat with a nice packet of cheese & onion crisps and a cheeky cream cake,”

David Cameron’s Voodoo Doll Collection Uncovered

According to a cabinet insider, Prime Minister David Cameron has a large collection of ‘Voodoo Dolls’ in a secret room at number 10 Downing Street.

The dolls were said to be crafted by Cameron himself, a well-known practitioner of the Black Arts and shape-shifting lizard.

The unnamed Cabinet member said:

“He’s got a big doll in the shape of the letters NHS. When he’s in a mood, he goes into the room, lights a black candle and jumps up and down on it. There’s a big Ouija Board inscribed in the blood of the innocent in the middle of the room, which he uses to talk to Margaret Thatcher,”

The source goes on to describe how Cameron leads a Satanic mass before every Cabinet meeting, where various ‘Voodoo dolls’ are tortured and thrown around.

“He picked up the Nigel Farage one and made it walk across the table saying “Look at me, I’m a big plonker, hahahaha!” and poured a pint of ale over its head. Then he punched the Jobseekers doll in the stomach and threw it in the bin, and ordered Ian Duncan-Smith to flush its head down the toilet later,”

It is estimated that there are around 100 occult dolls in David Cameron’s possession, embedded with pins, knives and other sharp objects. Some of the dolls have disappeared, and it is believed that they have been fed to a powerful demon named Atos.

“There are a few that he hasn’t got around to mangling yet,”

Said the source.

“But it’s only a matter of time,”

Photograph from the fabulous TV Tropes website.

David Cameron Appoints Katie Hopkins As Minister For Spite

David Cameron has appointed Sun columnist Katie Hopkins as minster for Spite. Her duties will include closing hospital wings, thinking up new sanctions for the Job Centre and wandering around the streets of London kicking busker’s hats over.

An expert on both virulence and malevolence, Hopkins is unusual in having not served as an MP prior to her appointment. It is widely believed that she may have a ‘dossier of dirt’ on one or more members of the cabinet, possibly involving copious quantities of Swarfega and the services of an elderly goat, which the unnamed cabinet member may have drunkenly mistaken for Katie herself.

Prime Minster David Cameron said in a statement.

“It is vital that that the poor, the sick and the disabled are punished. For too long, this country has been headed out of the dark ages. I believe that Katie Hopkins is the woman to lead us into an age of bleak, dribbling backwardness the like of which has not been seen since medieval times. She may be half-goat, half Shakespearian witch and probably a secret Nazi in her spare time, but she is all Tory,”

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Nobody Willing To Admit To Voting Tory

A post election poll shows that nobody in the UK appeared to vote for the conservative party, apart from a handful of posh old fruitcakes that don’t give a shit what people think, because they’re ancient and loaded.

The survey, conducted by a random sampling of Facebook user’s updates that contained the words “vote” or “election” reveals that users are unwilling to admit to voting Conservative, even if they did. The majority of posts mention the Labour party, followed by the Liberal Democrat and Green parties. Posts in support of the Conservative party are conspicuously absent.

It is thought that a combination of guilt for being a self-serving, greedy little bastard that doesn’t give a shit about anything apart from money, and the baying mobs gathering in several parts of the country are to blame. An alternative theory is that the election was rigged. But of course this only happens in countries run by corrupt, narcissistic despots

Top Ten Hidden Gems From #WhyImVotingUkip

With election day looming like a storm cloud above a pride parade, here’s a last minute selection of snigger-inspiring tweets from the #WhyImVotingUkip debacle on Wednesday night.

Upholding the great British tradition of taking the piss, we trawled Twitter to bring you ten tweets from the public to make you giggle-snort.

Grant Shapps Denies Drawing ‘Comedy Breasts’ On George Osbourne’s Homework

Tory party chairman Grant Shapps has been accused of defacing rival’s homework with drawings of large pairs of jiggling, ‘comedy breasts’ and other graffiti.

Cabinet colleague George Osborne was shocked to discover a huge pair of lady’s breasts scrawled in red pen across a page containing the minutes of a meeting that had taken place earlier that day. There was also an offensive statement about George Osbourne’s mother, which the minister has denounced as “utterly untrue and deeply immature”.

Shapps has denied the accusations, claiming that they are part of a smear campaign, and that the MP probably drew the boobs himself and then forgot about it.

When it was pointed out that some of the offensive statements, such as “I smell of poo” and “Karl Turner 4 Katie Hopkins” appeared to be written in his handwriting, he dismissed this as a coincidence.

Rent Expenses MP’s ‘Sent To Hippy Commune’

The forty-six MPs that claimed expenses on rent and hotels, despite having tax payer funded homes in London, are to be sent to a commune & forced to sleep in bunk beds.

MPs wil be greeted by the farm’s ‘Chicken of Judgment’, which will determine their duties during their stay.

Channel 4 news discovered that many MPs were letting out their second homes, and claiming up £20000 a year for rent, or £150 a night for hotels.

The Watchdog for MPs expenses said in a statement:

“Right! That’s it! We’re sending them all to a place called “Happy Home Farm” in the Cotswolds for a month. They can bloody well get up at dawn to feed the chickens after sleeping in uncomfortable bunk beds in draughty yurts, shovel some muck about and spend some time meditating on the nature of ‘Taking The Piss’ when it comes to tax payers money,”

The farm, a commune since 1997, houses many protesters and off-grid travellers, who spend much of their time working and living communally, farming and creating organic vegan knitwear for sale in Selfridges.

“This is fantastic news,”

Said a spokesperson for the commune named Frog.

“They’ll have to pull their weight though. We’ve got lots of lovely organic shit to shovel onto the potato field, and a new drystone wall to build, and we could really use 46 pairs of extra hands right now. We’ve got some spare yurts, and they can always bunk up in the cow shed if there isn’t enough room. We’ll feed them of course, but they’ll have to hurry up and finish all their jobs on time, or there’ll be nothing left,”

None of the MPs available for comment were satisfied with the decision. One unnamed MP was in floods of tears, as he has a phobia of cows and doesn’t want to “sleep in a lumpy bunk bed with a load of smelly hippies”

Frog added:

They’ll all be made very welcome in our 21st century commune, and we hope they’ll enjoy the experience and learn a little about the experience of sharing, and of helping your fellow humans. Apart from the one that said we were smelly hippies. I’ve got a special job for him, and it definitely involves a silage tank.

Half Of Ukip Voters Don’t Trust Cats

Around half of Ukip voters clain they don’t trust cats, finding them all slinky and inscrutable, new opinion research has found.

When pollster YouGov asked Farage fans whether they would describe themselves as prejudiced against felines, only 49% said they were not prejudiced.

35% of Ukip voters needed the question explaining to them twice, with a picture of a cat as a visual aid.

45% of the slack-jawed football hooligans admitted to being “a little prejudiced” while 6% said they were “very prejudiced” – a total of 48%

Of those that admitted to being prejudiced against cats, 26% said they would kick a cat if they saw one, 44% said that cats are “definitely up to something” and 12% said cats were to blame for a rise in crime, despite a recent drop in crime.

Reasons given for being suspicious of cats varied, but a general theme of “they’re all bendy and they make a funny noise” and “Well I’m really more of a dog person, so cats are just wrong” did emerge from the research.

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts