political – The Beezly Street Gazette

Spanish Government Unveil Brutal Hologram ‘Protest Police Squad’

April 11, 2015 by Editor Leave a Comment

The Spanish Government have unveiled their special task force of holographic, armed police officers to deal with future holographic protests, like the one held in front of parliament in Madrid.

A shot of the new holographic police squad, kicking shit through a peaceful activist for his own safety.

The ‘Citizen Safety Police’ will be entirely holographic, and armed with batons, tazers, handcuffs and mace. There will also be highly trained holographic police dogs, horses composed entirely of light, and two completely theoretical tanks authorised to fire on citizens, if it is deemed that they are endangering themselves.

Under Spain’s new ‘Gag Law’ or ‘Citizen Safety Law’ peacefully protesting outside a government building about, for example, a law that prevents citizens from peacefully protesting outside government buildings would be illegal.

A spokesperson for the Spanish Government said:

“You may think you’re very clever, projecting holograms onto a public building, avoiding being arrested and making us all look like pinche idiota. But next time, we will have tanks, dogs and holographic tazers. And we will round you all up, and put you in Hologram Prison!”

Filed Under: News, Politics, spain Tagged With: citizen safety law, citizens, comedy, fine, gag law, government, government building, hit piece, hologram march, hologram protest, holographic march, holographic protest, humor, humour, illegal, joke, parody, peaceful protest, police, police brutality, political, protest, rights, satire, satirical, spain, spanish, spoof

Pomerainon Wasps Threaten To Torture Lobster Wasps Live On The Internet.

February 27, 2015 by Editor Leave a Comment

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps have responded to the childish taunts issued by North Korean Lobster Wasps, by building a torture chamber housed in a tiny TV studio.

The film appeared on Youtube, with actor hornets wearing comedy plastic claws playing the roles of the captured Pomeranian wasps.

The torture chamber is contained within a glass outer casing. There are several themed torture chambers that the captured hornets must pass through, after they have investigated the half-eaten Mr. Whippy cone that lies just inside the cunningly disguised entrance.

The entrance is hung with tiny velvet curtains, and a couple of sexy wasps with harem trousers and veils dance outside of it. And a neon sign in the shape of a melted Rowntrees fruit lolly.

The captured wasp was is first strapped to a tiny bed, and subjected to degrading mechanical experiments of a sexual nature.

While this is going on, a tiny window appears with blue clouds and happy wasps flying about and stinging people. The wasp (degraded and broken by now) suddenly regains its hope for the future and struggles to break free.

The cruel straps break, and the wasp flies towards the window – only to bash into it and fall into a massive silver sink, which is uncovered via a trapdoor in the floor.

If it survives flailing about a bit in the water, perhaps climbing onto a bit of potato peeling for safety, it will fly into the next room, which is even more deadly and degrading. This is left to the imagination of the viewer, but a dentist type drill can be heard in the background.

The final room is the execution room. Guard Hornets grab the wasp again and force it into a chair that is splattered with that stuff that comes out of wasps, you know, wasp juice. A tiny colander thing comes down upon its head. It looks up to see a large hornet in a black hood with its leg on a switch. The lights flicker and the film ends.

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps issued a statement within 5 minutes of the film being uploaded to Youtube. It simply said:

“Alright, calm your tits you crazy bastards. We’ve decided to go to Australia instead,”

Filed Under: Science & Technology Tagged With: bees, biology, comedy, funny, hit piece, natural history, political, science, spoof, war, wasps

Solar Eclipse ‘David Cameron’s Fault’

February 25, 2015 by Editor Leave a Comment

The eclipse predicted on March 20^th is thought to be entirely David Cameron’s fault.

“If anybody is capable of plunging the entire country into unnatural, eerie darkness on a cheery Friday morning in early spring, it’s David sodding Cameron,”

Said a statement from the Society of Astronomers Not Bloody Astrologers.

“The fact that the eclipse will briefly resemble a sort of bargain basement version of the Eye of Sauron is no coincidence. He’s cut just about everything else he can get his muggy little hands on, so stealing the daylight from the entire country for 2 minutes and 47 seconds was inevitable,”

It is widely believed that the Prime Minister will retire to his underground lair to change into a vampire bat during the short eclipse.

The event is part of Saros Cycle 120, an 18-year cycle that began with a partial eclipse in 933 AD. But this particular event is believed to be entirely the fault of the Prime Minister, and an omen of gloom for wherever the dreaded shadow may fall.

“We can expect outbreaks of depression, rage, people unexpectedly losing their jobs and spitting at the TV whenever Mr Cameron appears on the screen. Dogs will almost certainly start to howl, and cats may arch their backs and fluff up their fur to make themselves look big. The event will last under 3 minutes, but the effects of the eclipse will be felt for many generations to come,”