Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”.  TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Nigel Farage To Be Recycled Into Gregg’s Pasties

Ukip leader Nigel Farage is to be recycled into Gregg’s corned beef pasties, the party has announced.

Mr. Farage was a “fantastic leader and a great political communicator, and is going to taste really nice and succulent encased in pastry,” Suzanne Evans told the BBC’s Andrew Marr show.

“The time has come for Nigel to be fried up with a vat of onions and turned into corned beef pasties, for the hard working voters of this nation to finally enjoy,”

She added, noting that he would be the first party leader to be turned into savoury pastries, but wishing him all the best on his journey down the oesophaguses of lorry drivers, post men and women and students.

“I didn’t vote for him, but I would definitely eat a Nigel Farage pasty,”

Said a Gregg’s customer.

“I like all the normal ones like the corned beef one and the cheese & onion, and the sandwiches are nice as well. But it’s a real treat when they do special occasion pastry slices, and I think this one would go down a treat with a nice packet of cheese & onion crisps and a cheeky cream cake,”

20 Best Amazon Reviews Of Nigel Farage’s New Book

If you’re a fan of sexy Nigel Farage, his latest best selling romp is available to buy on Amazon right now.  Shockingly, some immature people have been trolling this book with sarcastic, rude and surreal reviews.

We’ve picked out a balanced selection of 20 the most helpful Amazon reviews for this product.

20.  Don’t try this at home, kids.

19.  Don’t read this book in bed.

18.  Urgent translation needed.

17.  Enjoy your stay.

16.  Not tested on puppies.

15.  The wrong Nigel.

 

14.  Thunderbirds are go.

 

13.  Purple Reign

 

12.  Suitable for children

11.  Sign of the times.

 

10.  Disappointing.

9.  Life changing stuff.

8.  Quality.

7.  Not fit for purpose.

6.  The colour purple.

5.  Mr. Nonsense.

4. Rhyming slang?

3.  Science.

2.  Purple headed warrior.

1.  Simply inspirational.

Ministers To Cut Back On Orgies

One of the unspoken perks of being an MP is the huge range of sexual deviancy on offer, thanks to the almost unlimited ‘expenses’ that MPs may claim, for everything from Hobnob biscuits to ‘massages’ from triple-titted, gold plated porn stars. But MPs have been warned that they may have their perverted perks penalized, if they indulge in too many athletic, all night orgies with prostitutes and rent boys.

The watchdog that monitors MPs expenses made the recommendation, after it was clear that many MPs were falling asleep in the House of Commons, after staying up all night for a ‘Busty Massage’ from four stunning Eastern European strumpets, or from being unable to sit down after a vigorous bumming from a part time swimming instructor named Sergio (real name Gordon), who likes to dress as a strict school marm.

“This is money taken straight from the taxpayer’s purse, that ends up tucked into the frilly knickers of various gigolos, tarts and dominatrixes. It is essential that such activities do not impact the ability of MPs to just about stay awake after a long, boozy lunch at the taxpayer’s expense, or being able to sit down on the comfortable green benches without fear of further rectal damage.   Therefore we recommend a maximum of 3 orgies a week,”

Said a report by the watchdog committee.

Kanye Brits Fail Due To ‘Higher Spiritual Vibration With Tupac And Michael Jackson

UK fans of the annual Brits award ceremony were disappointed when half of the rapper’s vocals appeared to be muted. But Kanye claims they weren’t muted – it’s just that only true fans could hear them, and everyone else is a stinky none-believer that doesn’t try hard enough to be a Kanye fan.

“What a load of shit!” said a fan from Leeds. “I used to like him, but I think he’s a bit of a cock-womble now,”

“What’s the point of even singing if you’re going to mute half of it?” asked loads of other people on Facebook, with some adding “Fuck you Kanye, you’re a dick”

In a statement after the performance, West told reporters that it was not a muddle-up about the watershed, or even due to ignoring advice that he would be muted and ruin the song. He claimed that the missing vocals from the track were “still there” in the song, but only real proper true Kanye fans that have bought all his DVDs and been to loads of gigs could hear them.

“I was on a higher plane during those parts,”

Said the star.

“I’d ascended to rap heaven at that point, and Tupac and Michael Jackson were jamming with me. If you couldn’t hear that, you’re operating on a lower vibration to the true fans, and I pity you and pray for you,”

 

Farage To Replace NHS With ‘Traditional British Witchcraft’

The National Health Service may have to be replaced with a system of “Traditional British Witchcraft”, including leeches, poultices and chanting, Nigel Farage has said.

The Ukip leader said anyone that believed in the current method of using doctors and science for medical care in the UK “Frankly isn’t thinking” and that he was open to using supernatural methods such as divination by sheep entrails and praying to the moon, while dancing naked around a camp fire on Glastonbury Tor.

“I lean towards the Government doing less, and ancient deities like Wayland Smithy and the goddess Brigit doing more. I believe if you open the way for ancient pagan spirits to posess the town shaman and administer healing, instead of putting them on foreign-made machines that go ‘boop’, this will ease excessive regulation, and the burden on the tax payer,”

Mr. Farage said, while slaughtering a chicken and offering its tongue to Baron Samedi.

“Right now we have a health service that relies totally on science, and that is damaging the moral fabric of this country. The UK needs to explore different ways to deliver healthcare. I’m not saying we need witchdoctors with bones through their noses and jars of powdered tiger blood. But what I am saying is that we need to re-explore the role of the traditional, warty old village wise-woman,”

In 2010 Ukip’s manifesto, since disowned by the party, and only spoken about in whispers after half past twelve at cocktail parties, called for the introduction of Tarot cards and ducking stools, to divine whether the patient needed treatment, or must be put to death for worshipping the devil.

 

Farage In Skiddy Undies Row

The dry cleaner at the center of a dispute with Ukip leader Nigel Farage, has revealed that the MP has “Dead, dead skiddy” underwear.

Mr. Kahn, 47 from Manchester, has owned the dry cleaners for 15 years. He claims that Farage has not paid his dry cleaning bill for 3 weeks, and refused to clean any more clothes for him.

“I normally clean suits and jackets for Mr. Farage. But one time he’d been on a conference, and he pulled his suit out of the bag, and some underpants fell out onto the counter. And they were right skiddy. It was like multiple skids, Like he’d worn them two days in a row and not bothered to wipe. I’d estimate by the size of the skids he’d worn them two to three days in a row,”

Farage claims that his dry cleaning bill is up to date, a claim Mr. Kahn’s wife disputes.

“Lying sod! I do the accounts, and he hasn’t paid in 3 weeks. My husband told me about the skiddy underpants. Every time I see him on TV now, he just reminds me of skiddy underpants and puts me off my biscuit, if I’m having one at the time,”

A spokesman for Farage has strenuously denied the skiddy underpant claim, dismissing it as a “Smear attempt,” and claiming that Farage changes his underpants daily, and would continue to do so, even if he were camping, on a desert island or even at the Download music festival.

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Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

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