‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Photographers

A change in the law will allow photographers to pay rent on their homes & studios with ‘exposure’ instead of money. They will also be able to buy coffee, shampoo and other essentials, by mentioning to the checkout assistant that they did a big job last week for nothing, and are hoping it will bring them some paying clients.

Landlords and supermarkets are protesting this move, on the grounds that “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with ‘exposure’? I can’t pay my bills with fresh bloody air! Why can’t you just give me money like every bugger else?”

The controversial new change will allow photographers to pay for their homes and studios by doing freebies for people that want pictures of their spoiled daughter at her expensive Sweet Sixteen party, pictures of their hair-brained new business idea, or a range of merchandise they plan to sell on EBay.

The owner of an online sausage website said:

“This is a very good deal, and I can’t understand what you’re all moaning about. I own a big sausage factory, and when people see that you have photographed my famous sausages, you’ll be beating off paying clients with a mucky stick. Everybody knows that’s how it works. If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by letting you photograph my sausages,”

Photographers themselves claim that they don’t really give a shit how famous your sausages are, or how many wealthy parents will be at your daughter’s swanky party that cost a grand to put on.

“The old saying went – if you pay peanuts you get monkeys,”

Said a professional photographer from Leeds.

“It used to be that if you planned to pay in imaginary benefits, good luck with your imaginary professional photographer, and the top notch professional service that you won’t be receiving. They’ll probably throw in imaginary re-touching and shoot it on a fictional Hasselblad as well,

“But with this new change in the law, I can actually pay the rent on my studio by spending the whole afternoon photographing someone’s annoying children for nothing. I can even get a free coffee in Starbucks by whipping out my portfolio and showing them all the many hours of retouching I did on some bright orange teenager whose mum told her she could be a model. This has revolutionized the field of photography, and I couldn’t be more delighted,”

A spokesperson for the National Landlords Association said:

“This is absolutely outrageous. How can anyone in their right minds hope to pay for goods and services with ‘exposure’? If we’re forced to accept the promise of future work in lieu of actual money, we’re all going to go bankrupt!”

Silly Old Tossers Banned From Being Photographers

A new law that bans silly old farts from buying expensive cameras and pretending to be model photographers, is coming into force next year.

Under the new legislation, silly old farts will still be allowed to spend three grand on a posh camera and lots of shiny new lenses. They will not be banned from taking pictures of jobbing models in Primark knickers, pretending that they’re doing it for the art, or from attending model workshops where the lighting is all set up for them.

The new law will however, prevent ridiculous old gits from setting up pages on Facebook pretending to be professional, jet-setting model photographers, that spend their days beating off lush young fanny with a shitty stick and getting paid for the privilege.

“It’s high time something was done about this,”

Said a spokesperson for real model photographers, that actually get paid to photograph models, and don’t pretend to their mates that they sleep with all of them and get stalked by them and stuff.

“These people are an absolute embarrassment to the craft. Anyone can set up a professional page on Facebook now, and spend all their spare cash on hiring busty young women to arch their backs and wedge de-thorned rose stems in their buttocks, and then use selective colour on it. No professional model photographer would make ‘nudge nudge, wink wink’ comments on Facebook about shagging all the models, that actually found them rather tedious and were just being polite,”

The new law is welcomed by the sons and daughters of silly old farts with cameras, as it will prevent their fathers from making total tools of themselves, with their newfound fantasy lifestyle.

A spokeswoman for the support group “Dads With Cams” said:

“We are all extremely relieved about the new legislation. My Dad has been really embarrassing since his divorce. He pays these women loads of money to pose for him, and then pretends that he gets paid for it. I know he’s not sleeping with any of them really, and they’re just jobbing models that want to earn a bit of money by keeping a lonely old man company for two hours and getting some nice pictures. I wish he’d just book an escort once or twice a week to cheer himself up, and not blog about it on the bloody Internet like he’s Terry bloody Richardson,”

A new law banning both the ‘Heel Caught In Thong’ shot in selective colour, and the ‘American Beauty’ rose petal shot, but with just two scabby little roses, is being discussed in Parliament next week.

Joyriding Cocaine Weasel Epidemic Shocks Quiet Suburb

A quiet suburb in East London has been rocked by a spate of ‘Pecker Jackings’ by rogue teenaged weasels, thought to be high on cocaine and glue.

Police are urging residents to keep their woodpeckers inside, as the gang of drug-crazed hooligan weasels have been stealing them and riding them around the park in broad daylight.

One of the residents caught up in the afternoon attacks describes his terrifying ordeal. Pensioner Morris Sandwich said:

“I was walking my spaniel Hector to Waitrose at about 3pm yesterday. They came from nowhere, swooping from the trees on the back of three terrified woodpeckers. They swooped right past my ears and shouted obscenities at me. One of them made a rude gesture with its paw, and the one at the end threw a tiny beer can at my head. I’ve never seen anything like it,”

A hobbyist nature photographer, who was photographing some nice, well-behaved suburban wildlife at the time, snapped this photograph.

“I watched as a weasel leapt onto the woodpecker’s back. He shouted ‘Lads! I’ve got one! Time to burn rubber!” and forced the bird to fly around with it on its back.

“There was a slightly larger weasel nearby, who was wearing a studded jacket with ‘Badass’ written on the back above a skull. I believe this to be ringleader,”

“This has been going on for some time, but not to this extent,”

Said a local community officer.

“It’s a quiet neighbourhood generally, and everybody is just shocked by the behaviour of these weasels. It is believed that they are high on cocaine and glue, and that they may have been influenced by the computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto’.

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