Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

A study into the behaviour of children under five years old has revealed that much of toddler’s more challenging behaviour is down to them being heartless little bastards, that sadistically enjoy tormenting adults.

evil toddler

The researchers secretly listened to the conversations of a hundred pairs of under-5s while they were alone in a room full of toys. While the researchers were watching, they played with the toys and tried to eat them. But when the researchers left the room and recorded the children playing, some of the conversations appeared to show malicious forethought and meticulous planning to an almost Machiavellian level.

A researcher that worked on the study said:

“I’m glad my kids are grown up. They were saying things like ‘you rip the pages out of that book and I’ll crap in her handbag, it’ll be hilarious’ and ‘you should have seen my nappy after I ate her entire collection of lipsticks, it was like somebody had clubbed a seal to death in the middle of a Pampers advert. LOL’. There is no doubt in my mind that under 5’s are simply bastards,”

Everyone Taking Part In #kyliejennerchallenge To Be Smacked And Sent To Bed

Under new guidelines, every teenager taking part in the ‘Kylie Jenner Challenge’ – which involves applying suction to the lips to inflate them to Pete Burns proportions, is to be smacked on the legs on Saturday night, and set to bed at 7.30pm with no Wifi.

kylie jenner challenge

The government watchdog that monitors Internet trends and their effect on teenagers said:

“This is getting bloody silly now. We thought having the Internet would make teenagers smarter, but they’re all blowing their lips up to copy some daft American bint. We feel that a good old fashioned slap on the legs, and a night of doing homework with no Twitter will do them the world of good,”

The mass smacking and sending to bed will take place this Saturday at 7pm. Teenagers are already hastily deleting their pictures of their bruised faces and exploded lips, but the government warns:

“We’re sending a letter to your parents, so we suggest you stop being silly, get on with your homework and do a few extra chores around the house to apologise to your parents for making wazzocks of yourselves on the Internet. And wipe that bloody slap off, you’re a 16 year old schoolgirl, not a 60 year old strippergram,”

Peppa Pig In Rehab For Drug And Alcohol Addiction

The animated star of British preschool TV show ‘Peppa Pig’ has gone into rehab to treat an £800 a day drug habit.

peppa pig

“She’s put so much coke up that snout of hers, I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off,” said one of the other animals on the show, who declined to be named.

“She’s alright if she’s had a sniff, and she smokes a lot of weed to calm her nerves. But you can tell when she hasn’t had her fix, because she starts arguments with producers and refuses to come out of her trailer. The rabbits won’t go anywhere near her, after she got one up against the wall and accused it of trying to put her off her lines,”

Although Peppa Pig is often seen happily jumping in muddy puddles, in real life Peppa is “pathologically phobic” of mud and germs, leading to the actress feeling stressed and “abusing drugs in order to cope with the demands of the show,”

It is claimed that many of the show’s tearful scenes involving George, who plays Peppa’s little brother, are not staged or scripted.

“She’s an absolute shit to him. It’s horrible to watch,”

Said a former producer of the show. “But the director loves it. They have this sort of agreement, where she’ll just start teasing him and making him cry, and they keep the camera rolling until he’s in tears. It’s absolutely barbaric, but it gets the ratings, and that’s really all she cares about,”

Peppa is expected to remain at the plush rehabilitation center in Surrey for two weeks, in an attempt to break free from the cocktail of prescription and illegal drugs that she claims “Get me through the day,”

The decision was prompted after Peppa threw a tantrum on set, calling the director and crew ‘wankers’ and the other cast members ‘nobody, two-bit, animated bastards,”

“It was out of character,”

Claimed the director. “She’s been under a lot of stress recently, and the drinking and drugs have just compounded that. We’re all very supportive of Peppa, and we wish her all the best. The rumours of a spin-off, post watershed adventure without Peppa aren’t true, and we hope to see her back on our screens soon,”