Study Shows Katie Hopkins Is Reincarnation Of 17th Century Witch Finder

A new study suggests that controversial media mouthpiece Katie Hopkins is a reincarnation of the 17th century ‘Witchfinder General’ Matthew Hopkins.

The Sun newspaper columnist is believed to be a direct descendant and true reincarnation of the 17th century vicar, responsible for a reign of terror and torture against people accused of being witches.

“The clues are all there,”

Said the scientist that carried out the study.

“It’s obvious that some evil, occult force is at work here, and that the Hopkins known as Katie is a mere vessel for the unquiet spirit of the ‘Witchfinder General’. Back in those days, the government whipped up fear about warlocks and magic, and that allowed the medieval Hopkins to make up loads of stupid shit about witches, and get away with being a gigantic bastard. They didn’t have Twitter or the Geneva Convention in those days of course, so they just tortured and murdered innocent people instead of writing nasty things in some sensationalist rag of a tabloid,”

Hopkins recently described immigrants fleeing brutal regimes as ‘cockroaches’, promoting a police investigation.

“If you look at Matthew Hopkins’s biting satire against the Puritans, all the bollocks he made up about witches, and then at Katie Hopkins’s mealy-mouthed Tweets and moany newspaper column, it’s very probable that Mathew Hopkins has returned from hell to walk amongst us once more,”

The study concluded that the only way to confirm this theory 100% would be to extract a confession by dunking Katie Hopkins in water to see if she floats.

Smog And Eclipse ‘Punishment For Glastonbury’

Toxic smog is set to hit the UK this weekend, coinciding with the predicted solar eclipse on Friday.

The poisonous fog from the continent may cause sore throats, itchy eyes, boils, speaking in tongues and an intense desire to spend nine quid on a partially-cremated Smartprice burger at half past nine in the morning.

Experts warn that these two events are a form of divine punishment from ancient, Pagan Gods, for this year’s early and intense moaning about the Glastonbury festival.

A long time festival-goer gave an example of the kind of moaning that has caused the duel plague this weekend:

“Glastonbury used to be a mystical rite of passage 20 years ago, when I was 18, with boundless energy and a disposable income. Now it’s just loads of people with hangovers listening to Kanye West. I’m still going to spend several hundred pounds on a ticket and completely break myself with low grade amphetamine and cider. But I’ll be queuing to get in at half past four, I am Glastonbury, hear me roar!”

A Glastonbury based warlock and climate expert warned:

“There is always a high level of whining about the Glastonbury festival. But this year’s early start to the eye-rolling and “God, that’s it, I’m not going!” and “Sigh, it’s the end of an era,” Facebook and Twitter posts has clearly annoyed the Ancient Ones. If current levels of moaning continue, there may have to be a sacrifice of some kind at the festival itself to appease them, or the whole thing might go up in flames, or be swallowed in a freak earthquake,”

He added:

“I think we need to seriously consider sacrificing Kanye West at the zenith of the celebrations, to ensure the survival of this festival,”

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

US Tourists Eaten By Welsh Islanders

Two deliciously plump American tourists have ended up in the traditional three-legged cooking pot of a village wise woman, after getting stranded on a Welsh island two miles off the coast.

The holidaymakers had hoped to visit Caldey island, to see the remote community of chocolate-making Cistercian monks that live there in silence. They also hoped to come back.

But their sat nav didn’t tell them they needed a ferry to reach the island, so they decided to drive across to the island, thinking it was a special kind of island that had sand around it instead of water, and got stuck.

“They were like a couple of lovely prawns in a posh box from Waitrose,” said one toothless local that witnessed the incident. “All glistening and plump,” he added, licking his lips.

When passers by spotted the stricken vehicle, they helped to dig it out. Then they looted it, threw the keys to the local policeman and dragged the two tourists off to the slaughterhouse, where they were filleted and made into traditional Welsh stew.

“We offered the best bits to some local deities,” said Myfanwy Evans, the local wise woman. “Morrigan gets very annoyed if she doesn’t get a nice bit of eyeball and some fingers with the rings left on,”

“It’s a very old law,” said the local bobby. “You see this stretch of beach from here to there? Well, the locals have a very ancient right to forage here for food, and not even the Queen herself could take that from us. She’d be too scared of her nose turning green and falling off if she did. So if we want to eat a horse that’s wandered on to the beach, or loot a stray fishing boat or turn some American tourists into stew, we can, see?”

A number of monks from the local monastery made themselves available for comment, but didn’t actually say anything, because it would break their vow. They did give the reporter some of their lovely homemade chocolates though.

Wolf And Dolphin Fleece Jackets ‘Confer Magical Powers To Owners’

Fleecy jackets with pictures of wolves or dolphins on them are said to “confer magical powers” onto their owners, according to manufactures.

“Our jackets are made of the highest quality microplush fleece, with a luxurious finish. Each one has been chanted over by a naked shaman up a tree, which imbues them with North Siberian Voodoo vibrations.  They are then blessed by a seventh generation witch.  A nice one, with crystals,”

They state on their website.

“And properly activated, allow you to connect shamanically with the wolf or dolphin as power animal,”

They claim that the psychic connection between the wolf jacket and its owner allows them to run about on all fours and have 50/50 vision like a wolf.  The dolphin jackets enable the owner to swallow whole fish such as salmon without the need to chew, and to balance light objects such as inflatable balls on the nose.

The jacket’s powers are said to be at their strongest for the wolf jackets around the time of a full moon, while the dolphin fleeces become more active near large bodies of water. Regular meditation while wearing the jacket is believed to strengthen the connection to the power animals. The manufacters warn that the powers must not be abused and only used for good, otherwise the jackets will turn into a sort of crappy 80’s nylon bomber jacket with ciggy burns on the back, that doesn’t keep you warm.

“I love my wolf jacket and I wouldn’t be without it,” said pensioner Marjorie Beans.

“I’ve got arthritis, but I can run for the bus, and even leap onto it before the doors close.  It really saves me standing at the bus stop in the cold,”

Another fan of the fashionable fleeces left a testimonial on the website stating:

“I’ve always had an affinity with dolphins, and this jacket strengthens my crystal healing abilities and helps me with my water aerobics class.  I can balance my sister in law Brenda on my head in the swimming pool now, and swim an entire length underwater.  Would recommend to anyone,”

 

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