Highway To Hell To Become An ‘A’ Road

Due to ever increasing traffic numbers, the Highway to Hell is to be reclassified as an A-road, and repairs will be carried out over the next few years.

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Work beginning in 2016 will widen the road, add several more lanes and repair the potholes caused by skateboards and hand-carts. A new service station is to be built, housing a Little Chef restaurant, and a branch of WH Smiths.

A new cycle lane will be added, and a free National Express coach service with a toilet that smells like fresh sick will make daily trips up and down the highway.

Those that wish to cross the River Styx in the traditional fashion instead of using the highway, will find the skeletal ferryman replaced by one of twenty seven coin-operated toll booths. An automated ferry, capable of carrying up to twenty souls, will carry passengers across the river of forgetfulness. Complimentary tea and biscuits will be available, but passengers will not be able to purchase alcohol while on board. The gift shop will be open from 7am until 6pm every day apart from Sunday.

Farage To Replace NHS With ‘Traditional British Witchcraft’

The National Health Service may have to be replaced with a system of “Traditional British Witchcraft”, including leeches, poultices and chanting, Nigel Farage has said.

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The Ukip leader said anyone that believed in the current method of using doctors and science for medical care in the UK “Frankly isn’t thinking” and that he was open to using supernatural methods such as divination by sheep entrails and praying to the moon, while dancing naked around a camp fire on Glastonbury Tor.

“I lean towards the Government doing less, and ancient deities like Wayland Smithy and the goddess Brigit doing more. I believe if you open the way for ancient pagan spirits to posess the town shaman and administer healing, instead of putting them on foreign-made machines that go ‘boop’, this will ease excessive regulation, and the burden on the tax payer,”

Mr. Farage said, while slaughtering a chicken and offering its tongue to Baron Samedi.

“Right now we have a health service that relies totally on science, and that is damaging the moral fabric of this country. The UK needs to explore different ways to deliver healthcare. I’m not saying we need witchdoctors with bones through their noses and jars of powdered tiger blood. But what I am saying is that we need to re-explore the role of the traditional, warty old village wise-woman,”

In 2010 Ukip’s manifesto, since disowned by the party, and only spoken about in whispers after half past twelve at cocktail parties, called for the introduction of Tarot cards and ducking stools, to divine whether the patient needed treatment, or must be put to death for worshipping the devil.