‘Just Stop F***ing Moaning’ Say Heartless Bosses

In an anonymous survey of over 2000 company directors, “Employees just fucking moaning about their needs and pathetic little lives,” was top of the shit list.

I hate my boss

“People needing their hand holding by their colleagues when they have a major operation really get on my tits,” said one anonymous responder. “If you’re working for me, I hired you AND all of your internal organs. Sitting in the office sobbing on work time is taking the piss,”

“Don’t go crying to HR all the time you bloody mard-arses,” and “A problem shared is a problem doubled” were the overall sentiments in the detailed study, designed to streamline HR departments. The adjustments that the report recommends could save up to eighty million pounds in the next five years.

“The trouble is, everybody wants to moan face to face now, and it wastes a lot of time & creates a huge paper trail. What happened to the good old-fashioned stuff upper lip?”

The study was sponsored by a robotics company that make HR robots, which can nod and mirror your expressions & body language, and ask you clarify what you just moaned about, and write a report on it. These robots are intended to lessen the burden on HR departments, who really have more important things to do than dealing with actual humans.

“But really, it would be better if everyone realized how lucky they were to have a job, did exactly as they were told, and stopped fucking moaning,”

Said the CEO of a multi million pound cosmetics company.