office humour – The Beezly Street Gazette

A new invention that punches people in the face on your behalf could hit the shelves as early as November.

Designed to be used on exes, traffic wardens, people whose dogs poo on your driveway every day and celebrities like James Blunt, the device uses facial & voice recognition technology, GPS and a boxing glove on a spring to administer a satisfying smack in the gob to the idiot of your choosing.

Designed to be activated by Smartphone, the device sits harmlessly in the garage next to the broken Hoover, until it receives a punch in the face order from its owner.

Once activated, it trundles clumsily out onto the street & makes it’s way to the address of the target.

With a top speed of 4 miles an hour, it can latch onto busses and other large vehicles for a speedier journey.

Upon arrival at the target’s home, it trundles up the path, whereupon a small stick emerges from the front of the device and raps smartly upon the door.

If the door is opened by the target, the boxing glove is activated and twats them in the gob. This is relayed back to the owner by a small camera mounted inside the glove.

If opened by another member of the public, the device will conceal itself in the bushes and wait for them to leave or enter the property.

When the mission is complete, the device will trundle grumpily home mumbling “Two thousand dollars worth of futuristic technology, and I all I ever do is punch people in the face,” and park itself in the garage.

‘Just Stop F***ing Moaning’ Say Heartless Bosses

In an anonymous survey of over 2000 company directors, “Employees just fucking moaning about their needs and pathetic little lives,” was top of the shit list.

“People needing their hand holding by their colleagues when they have a major operation really get on my tits,” said one anonymous responder. “If you’re working for me, I hired you AND all of your internal organs. Sitting in the office sobbing on work time is taking the piss,”

“Don’t go crying to HR all the time you bloody mard-arses,” and “A problem shared is a problem doubled” were the overall sentiments in the detailed study, designed to streamline HR departments. The adjustments that the report recommends could save up to eighty million pounds in the next five years.

“The trouble is, everybody wants to moan face to face now, and it wastes a lot of time & creates a huge paper trail. What happened to the good old-fashioned stuff upper lip?”

The study was sponsored by a robotics company that make HR robots, which can nod and mirror your expressions & body language, and ask you clarify what you just moaned about, and write a report on it. These robots are intended to lessen the burden on HR departments, who really have more important things to do than dealing with actual humans.

“But really, it would be better if everyone realized how lucky they were to have a job, did exactly as they were told, and stopped fucking moaning,”

Said the CEO of a multi million pound cosmetics company.