nostalgia – The Beezly Street Gazette

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Sea Monkey Company Admits To Lying About Crowns

The company that produced ‘Sea Monkey’ products has finally admitted to lying about them wearing little crowns, and being a super-civilised species of undersea monkey.

The lurid Sea Monkey packaging and advertising was deemed grossly misleading by a court ruling yesterday. The judge recalled his own childhood during proceedings, noting that he too had been fooled into expecting a tank full of raspberry-pink, smiling, waving, slightly sexy humanoids with crowns on their heads, expecting to feel like the emperor of a tiny, mystical undersea kingdom for at least a week, instead of some watching some rubbish, sludge-coloured shrimps die over the course of 48 hours.

A statement issued by the manufacturers said:

“We have mis-led an entire generation of children, by leading them to believe that shrimps can somehow sit around smiling as if they’re on a Page 3 calendar. They are not monkeys, and monkeys can’t live under the sea. We just wanted to flog some crustacean eggs & got a bit carried away.

“We also say they are ‘time travellers’ on our official website, and this is also bollocks. They’re just hibernating. Otherwise bears would be time travellers as well, which they aren’t,”

The manufacturers did point out that they have addressed customer complaints that the creatures died almost immediately. They claim to have engineered a new hybrid of Sea Monkey, that is more hardy & can survive longer in captivity.

“They’re really cool. They ride around on tiny undersea motorbikes, and some of them can rap,”