Nobody Cares – The Beezly Street Gazette

Everybody In Entire World Sick Of Hearing About That Dress

February 28, 2015 by Editor 1 Comment

Everybody in the entire world is fed up to the arse of hearing about the dress that changes colour, it has been reported.

“Say Blue Dress again,”

An anthropologist studying an indigenous, largely uncontacted tribe in Papua New Guinea has indicated that isolated, hunter-gatherer tribes are also ‘sick to the arse’ of the colour changing dress.

“Obviously these people are not connected to any sort of virtual social network, living as they do in a largely primitive hunting society. Nevertheless, they too are all sick and tired of hearing about the damned dress,”

Said the anthropologist, running away from the angry tribes people as fast as he could and shouting “Sorry! I won’t mention it again!”

Vapid media mouthpiece Doctor Linda Wigglesworth, who has a PhD in stating the blindingly bleeding buggeringly obvious said:

“When it first appeared on our feeds it was new and exciting, and kinda spooky. But I think we’re all a little tired of it now,”

The astronauts aboard the International Space Station gave a statement earlier today that said: “Look, we’re orbiting around the bloody planet and doing some really important stuff, on the terrifying edge of deep space. Can you please stop asking us what colour the sodding dress is?”

While actor Samuel L. Jackson said: “Say blue dress again Motherf****r. Say blue dress one more god damned time,”

Latest news just in – Evil, haunted dress to be burned.

Filed Under: Celebrity, News Tagged With: blue black, blue dress, color, colour, colour changing dress, comedy, don't care about dress, fake, funny, hit piece, humour, is dress evil, Nobody Cares, optical illusion, satire, sick of hearing about dress, spoof, white dress, white gold

TV License Officer ‘Threatened To Eat Kitten, Send Elderly Woman To Hell

February 11, 2015 by Editor Leave a Comment

A pensioner from Sidcup has made a formal complaint, after a pair of TV license officers threatened to eat her 3 month old kitten Mr. Fluffles.

After a series of increasingly threatening letters, stating “We know where you live, you wrinkly old bint,” and “Pay your license or we’ll shit through your letterbox and burn your trampy house down,” the 89 year old churchgoer called the BBC licensing department and informed them that she did not own a TV. She was transferred to a department called ‘The Special Branch”, where she was abused for fifteen minutes by a woman that told the pensioner that she didn’t believe her, and that liars go to hell and get pitchforks stuck up their bottoms for ever and ever.

Eventually the operator accepted that she did not own a TV, but as she had watched TV at a friend’s house, she would have to pay the license fee in full anyway, and blasted German Death Metal music down the telephone, causing a temporary ringing sensation in Mrs. Bainbridge’s ear.

The next day, two license officers turned up in an official BBC van, which they parked across the front garden, destroying two rose bushes and damaging a small concrete cherub.

The officers rang the doorbell several times and shouted, “We know you’re in there, you stingy old boot!” through the letterbox, until Mrs Bainbridge was compelled to open the door. The three month old ginger kitten Mr Fluffles ran out of the house, and was picked up and cradled by the female licensing officer.

“She didn’t hurt the cat, but she gave me a terrible, evil look and told me that it would taste nice in a Naan bread with some garlic mayonnaise. Mr Fluffles was purring, but I was very distressed. The male officer informed me that I would be going to prison, and that nobody would be there to take care of the cat, and the kindest thing to do would be to eat it,”

Following her complaint, Mrs Bainbridge has received a letter from the licencing department stating that no more letters or visits will be carried out for a period of 2 years, unless she purchases a television during that time.

“We’ve got vans you know,” stated the letter. “Special vans. You can’t hide from us forever,”

Filed Under: News Tagged With: british humour, comedy, Daily Mail, do I have to pay my tv license, funny, hit piece, humour, leeds, Nobody Cares, not paying license, parody, satire, spoof, threatening letters, tv goons, TV license, tv license letters, tv license threatening, tv license vans, tv vans

Facebook To Test ‘Nobody Cares’ button

February 5, 2015 by Editor 1 Comment

Popular social networking site Facebook is to add a new feature. As well as being able to ‘like’, comment or share a status, users will now be able to click a ‘Nobody Cares’ button.

The extra button, which will appear next to the ‘like’ button, will feature a small, crappy icon of a hand with its middle finger raised, next to the words ‘NOBODY CARES’.

It is expected to be popular with users whose Facebook friends post about going to the gym a lot, share Instagrams of their dinner, and post elevety trillion pictures of their ugly, howling children with Spaghetti Hoops all over their face.

Not all users are supportive of the new button. One anonymous user complained that it would take all of the fun out of ‘Vaguebooking’ – the practice of posting a passive-aggressive status about an unnamed user, designed to instil guilt and paranoia in other Facebook users.

“If I post up some vague, attention seeking claptrap designed to elicit sympathy from girls, I’m going to look a right muppet when all my mates click the ‘Nobody Cares’ button. I don’t like this new change at all,”

Said Brian Moron, a student from Merseyside.

Some users have criticised the move as a cynical attempt to hike up interactions on Facebook, so that they can charge advertisers more money.

“That’s exactly what it is,” said Oscar Satan, who is in charge of testing the new button. “We all know how rude people are on the Internet, when you can’t physically get punched in the face. This is just making it much easier to be rude and dismissive.