Nigel Farage To Be Recycled Into Gregg’s Pasties

Ukip leader Nigel Farage is to be recycled into Gregg’s corned beef pasties, the party has announced.

Mr. Farage was a “fantastic leader and a great political communicator, and is going to taste really nice and succulent encased in pastry,” Suzanne Evans told the BBC’s Andrew Marr show.

“The time has come for Nigel to be fried up with a vat of onions and turned into corned beef pasties, for the hard working voters of this nation to finally enjoy,”

She added, noting that he would be the first party leader to be turned into savoury pastries, but wishing him all the best on his journey down the oesophaguses of lorry drivers, post men and women and students.

“I didn’t vote for him, but I would definitely eat a Nigel Farage pasty,”

Said a Gregg’s customer.

“I like all the normal ones like the corned beef one and the cheese & onion, and the sandwiches are nice as well. But it’s a real treat when they do special occasion pastry slices, and I think this one would go down a treat with a nice packet of cheese & onion crisps and a cheeky cream cake,”

Top Ten Hidden Gems From #WhyImVotingUkip

With election day looming like a storm cloud above a pride parade, here’s a last minute selection of snigger-inspiring tweets from the #WhyImVotingUkip debacle on Wednesday night.

Upholding the great British tradition of taking the piss, we trawled Twitter to bring you ten tweets from the public to make you giggle-snort.

Half Of Ukip Voters Don’t Trust Cats

Around half of Ukip voters clain they don’t trust cats, finding them all slinky and inscrutable, new opinion research has found.

When pollster YouGov asked Farage fans whether they would describe themselves as prejudiced against felines, only 49% said they were not prejudiced.

35% of Ukip voters needed the question explaining to them twice, with a picture of a cat as a visual aid.

45% of the slack-jawed football hooligans admitted to being “a little prejudiced” while 6% said they were “very prejudiced” – a total of 48%

Of those that admitted to being prejudiced against cats, 26% said they would kick a cat if they saw one, 44% said that cats are “definitely up to something” and 12% said cats were to blame for a rise in crime, despite a recent drop in crime.

Reasons given for being suspicious of cats varied, but a general theme of “they’re all bendy and they make a funny noise” and “Well I’m really more of a dog person, so cats are just wrong” did emerge from the research.

20 Best Amazon Reviews Of Nigel Farage’s New Book

If you’re a fan of sexy Nigel Farage, his latest best selling romp is available to buy on Amazon right now.  Shockingly, some immature people have been trolling this book with sarcastic, rude and surreal reviews.

We’ve picked out a balanced selection of 20 the most helpful Amazon reviews for this product.

20.  Don’t try this at home, kids.

19.  Don’t read this book in bed.

18.  Urgent translation needed.

17.  Enjoy your stay.

16.  Not tested on puppies.

15.  The wrong Nigel.

 

14.  Thunderbirds are go.

 

13.  Purple Reign

 

12.  Suitable for children

11.  Sign of the times.

 

10.  Disappointing.

9.  Life changing stuff.

8.  Quality.

7.  Not fit for purpose.

6.  The colour purple.

5.  Mr. Nonsense.

4. Rhyming slang?

3.  Science.

2.  Purple headed warrior.

1.  Simply inspirational.

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

Ukip’s Only Magic Gay Penguin Resigns

The only magic gay penguin in Ukip has spectacularly quit the party.

 

Bernard, a magic penguin from the North Pole, who has been in a same sex relationship with another penguin for over fifteen years, stepped down from his position as treasurer for the Blackpool branch of the party yesterday.

“Last night I stepped down as treasurer and gave up my membership of Ukip. I found that I couldn’t convincingly campaign for the party any more. I don’t think they even like penguins to be perfectly honest. I think they were just after my magical powers and general wobbly cuteness to attract other penguins to vote.

Bernard believes that only opposite sex penguins should be allowed to marry.

I’m a deeply religious penguin, so I won’t be getting married to my soul mate any time soon, even though penguins do mate for life. God doesn’t like gay penguins getting married, even if he’s cool with civil partnerships,”

Nigel Farage In ‘Death By PowerPoint’ Presentation

Nigel Farage held a party conference yesterday, to address a “serious, reoccurring issue,” that has been troubling the MP “for some time,”

“I find it disgraceful and morally reprehensible that my name is still being pronounced incorrectly,”

Said the Ukip leader. He followed up his opening address with a 3 hour PowerPoint presentation to ease the audience into each syllable. The presentation was described as “Death by PowerPoint” by the entire back row of the conference. Several intricate paper airplanes were left behind after the speech, and the hotel ran out of orange juice.

According to the Ukip leader, the public have been deliberately misinformed as to the pronunciation of the MP’s name, which is widely believed to rhyme with either pronunciation of the word “garage’.

Somewhat controversially Mr. Farage disagreed, citing an old Armenian version of the surname, which is said to mean “Unidentifiable label on top of an Indian takeaway box” and is traditionally pronounced, “badger”.

As the utterly defeated-looking MPs filed from the conference room like zombies, only one would comment anonymously:

“If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck…”

He would not expand on his quote, and whether he was calling Nigel Farage a badger remains ambiguous.

Guest post by Roswell Ivory

https://roswellivory.wordpress.com/

Farage To Replace NHS With ‘Traditional British Witchcraft’

The National Health Service may have to be replaced with a system of “Traditional British Witchcraft”, including leeches, poultices and chanting, Nigel Farage has said.

The Ukip leader said anyone that believed in the current method of using doctors and science for medical care in the UK “Frankly isn’t thinking” and that he was open to using supernatural methods such as divination by sheep entrails and praying to the moon, while dancing naked around a camp fire on Glastonbury Tor.

“I lean towards the Government doing less, and ancient deities like Wayland Smithy and the goddess Brigit doing more. I believe if you open the way for ancient pagan spirits to posess the town shaman and administer healing, instead of putting them on foreign-made machines that go ‘boop’, this will ease excessive regulation, and the burden on the tax payer,”

Mr. Farage said, while slaughtering a chicken and offering its tongue to Baron Samedi.

“Right now we have a health service that relies totally on science, and that is damaging the moral fabric of this country. The UK needs to explore different ways to deliver healthcare. I’m not saying we need witchdoctors with bones through their noses and jars of powdered tiger blood. But what I am saying is that we need to re-explore the role of the traditional, warty old village wise-woman,”

In 2010 Ukip’s manifesto, since disowned by the party, and only spoken about in whispers after half past twelve at cocktail parties, called for the introduction of Tarot cards and ducking stools, to divine whether the patient needed treatment, or must be put to death for worshipping the devil.

 

Farage In Skiddy Undies Row

The dry cleaner at the center of a dispute with Ukip leader Nigel Farage, has revealed that the MP has “Dead, dead skiddy” underwear.

Mr. Kahn, 47 from Manchester, has owned the dry cleaners for 15 years. He claims that Farage has not paid his dry cleaning bill for 3 weeks, and refused to clean any more clothes for him.

“I normally clean suits and jackets for Mr. Farage. But one time he’d been on a conference, and he pulled his suit out of the bag, and some underpants fell out onto the counter. And they were right skiddy. It was like multiple skids, Like he’d worn them two days in a row and not bothered to wipe. I’d estimate by the size of the skids he’d worn them two to three days in a row,”

Farage claims that his dry cleaning bill is up to date, a claim Mr. Kahn’s wife disputes.

“Lying sod! I do the accounts, and he hasn’t paid in 3 weeks. My husband told me about the skiddy underpants. Every time I see him on TV now, he just reminds me of skiddy underpants and puts me off my biscuit, if I’m having one at the time,”

A spokesman for Farage has strenuously denied the skiddy underpant claim, dismissing it as a “Smear attempt,” and claiming that Farage changes his underpants daily, and would continue to do so, even if he were camping, on a desert island or even at the Download music festival.

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

BGT Dog Will Attend Sausage Rehab Following Disgrace

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts