nhs – The Beezly Street Gazette

David Cameron’s Voodoo Doll Collection Uncovered

According to a cabinet insider, Prime Minister David Cameron has a large collection of ‘Voodoo Dolls’ in a secret room at number 10 Downing Street.

The dolls were said to be crafted by Cameron himself, a well-known practitioner of the Black Arts and shape-shifting lizard.

The unnamed Cabinet member said:

“He’s got a big doll in the shape of the letters NHS. When he’s in a mood, he goes into the room, lights a black candle and jumps up and down on it. There’s a big Ouija Board inscribed in the blood of the innocent in the middle of the room, which he uses to talk to Margaret Thatcher,”

The source goes on to describe how Cameron leads a Satanic mass before every Cabinet meeting, where various ‘Voodoo dolls’ are tortured and thrown around.

“He picked up the Nigel Farage one and made it walk across the table saying “Look at me, I’m a big plonker, hahahaha!” and poured a pint of ale over its head. Then he punched the Jobseekers doll in the stomach and threw it in the bin, and ordered Ian Duncan-Smith to flush its head down the toilet later,”

It is estimated that there are around 100 occult dolls in David Cameron’s possession, embedded with pins, knives and other sharp objects. Some of the dolls have disappeared, and it is believed that they have been fed to a powerful demon named Atos.

“There are a few that he hasn’t got around to mangling yet,”

Said the source.

“But it’s only a matter of time,”

Photograph from the fabulous TV Tropes website.

Farage To Replace NHS With ‘Traditional British Witchcraft’

The National Health Service may have to be replaced with a system of “Traditional British Witchcraft”, including leeches, poultices and chanting, Nigel Farage has said.

The Ukip leader said anyone that believed in the current method of using doctors and science for medical care in the UK “Frankly isn’t thinking” and that he was open to using supernatural methods such as divination by sheep entrails and praying to the moon, while dancing naked around a camp fire on Glastonbury Tor.

“I lean towards the Government doing less, and ancient deities like Wayland Smithy and the goddess Brigit doing more. I believe if you open the way for ancient pagan spirits to posess the town shaman and administer healing, instead of putting them on foreign-made machines that go ‘boop’, this will ease excessive regulation, and the burden on the tax payer,”

Mr. Farage said, while slaughtering a chicken and offering its tongue to Baron Samedi.

“Right now we have a health service that relies totally on science, and that is damaging the moral fabric of this country. The UK needs to explore different ways to deliver healthcare. I’m not saying we need witchdoctors with bones through their noses and jars of powdered tiger blood. But what I am saying is that we need to re-explore the role of the traditional, warty old village wise-woman,”

In 2010 Ukip’s manifesto, since disowned by the party, and only spoken about in whispers after half past twelve at cocktail parties, called for the introduction of Tarot cards and ducking stools, to divine whether the patient needed treatment, or must be put to death for worshipping the devil.