Pandas Are Rubbish And Lack Ambition, Study Confirms

One of the most beloved and endangered animals in the world, the giant panda is in danger of dying out because “they’re just a bit rubbish really”, according to experts.

The giant panda is interesting to researchers for many reasons. One of the most unusual things about this animal is that its wrist bone has evolved into a rudimentary ‘thumb’, unlike most animals with paws. This gives it enormous dexterity compared with other bears and other animals.

Researchers used a computer simulation of several types to animal, to simulate what would happen if various other species of animal developed an opposable thumb. The simulation of a dolphin colony in the experiment developed their own musical instruments with shells and stones, while the domestic cats modelled in the experiment locked their owners out of the house and used the family laptop to order a kebab.

“However, when we gave the computer generated pandas larger, more powerful thumbs and greater dexterity, they simply went “Oh tar, I can pick up more bamboo now” and carried on sitting around and not having sex with each other,”

Said a researcher at a panda conservation site in China.

“While most species operate on a ‘survival of the fittest’ or at least a ‘ooh, better just watch meself a bit, might get eaten or summat’ mentality, as they struggle to feed themselves and procreate, the giant panda is simply not arsed about any of that stuff. They do occasionally eat other types of food if bamboo is not available, and they’ll get up and go for a walk, and occasionally have a shag if they can really be arsed, but apart from that, being a cute panda is their full time occupation. They’re like the Instagram Girls of the bear world,”

The development of panda Viagra and other methods that will allow pandas to procreate in greater numbers is being funded by campaigns worldwide.

“But it’s a jolly good thing they’re so bloody pretty and cute,”

Said the researcher.

“You don’t catch warthogs and blob fish sitting about looking all photogenic. They’d have gone extinct years ago if they had the same attitude as pandas,”

Disgusting Worm ‘Just Wants To Give You A Hug’

The mysterious pink worm that appears to vomit up wriggling tentacles onto a hand in a viral video “just wants to give you a cuddle” according to scientists.

“They’re very affectionate animals,” said doctor Brian Wriggleworth, a worm expert.

“The worm in the video was clearly just trying to give a heartfelt hug to whoever was holding it. Ejaculating its wriggling guts onto you is a sign of high esteem in the Ribbon Worm world,”

Ribbon worms are becoming more popular as pets, since Paris Hilton adopted one after her beloved dog passed away.

“They make ideal pets, and can be trained to fetch tiny objects such as thimbles & matches,”

‘Moths Are Shit’ Claims New Study

A new study claims that moths are ‘simply shit’ and wonders how they even lasted this long.

“They taste nice to predators, they can’t fight, and in terms of food, they’re basically a flying banana in a Missoni dress,”

Said a scientist working on the 40 million dollar study into moth behaviour.

“They’re the only animals in the world that mistakes a bathroom light bulb for the moon, and thinks ‘Whoo hoo, I’m going to head-butt the moon,’”

“Any animal whose main food group is old dinner jackets from the 1970’s should really be extinct by now,”

He added.

The mystery of why moths have survived for millions of years, when they’re clearly the equivalent of flying sushi for many predators, has remained a mystery despite the extensive study.

Some moths have elaborate and completely unconvincing disguises. The leopard moth for example, mimics the pattern of a leopard on its wings, and sits in trees pretending to be a leopard. The main problem with this disguise is that it is actually a moth, and looks and smells absolutely bugger-all like a leopard. Nevertheless, the species has survived for millions of years.

It is thought that predators might just simply piss themselves laughing and fall out of the tree, when they encounter a moth pretending to be a ferocious, predatory cat.

Another, more familiar moth defence mechanism involves having two huge, fake eyes imprinted on to the wings. When the moth flies away from danger, the big, staring eyes are designed to intimidate the predator.

As wide, staring eyes are the animal equivalent of “I’m ready to fuck over everyone in a ten mile radius and I’ve got big teeth, so bend over and kiss your ass goodbye,” it seems unfair for moths to employ them.

“In a predatory situation, this is like being in a bar fight and saying ‘STFU because here’s my Uzi,’ and then producing a water pistol, and quoting an amusing line from the sitcom ‘Friends’. In other words, it’s guaranteed to get you fucked up, unless you are a moth. We still don’t know how this works, and whether it’s anything to do with predators simply laughing themselves silly, while the moth flies off to find a flower or some rotting fruit to sit on,”

Said the scientist.

“All the evidence points to moths being really, really crap and incredibly lucky. We just don’t know what else to make of it,”

Joyriding Cocaine Weasel Epidemic Shocks Quiet Suburb

A quiet suburb in East London has been rocked by a spate of ‘Pecker Jackings’ by rogue teenaged weasels, thought to be high on cocaine and glue.

Police are urging residents to keep their woodpeckers inside, as the gang of drug-crazed hooligan weasels have been stealing them and riding them around the park in broad daylight.

One of the residents caught up in the afternoon attacks describes his terrifying ordeal. Pensioner Morris Sandwich said:

“I was walking my spaniel Hector to Waitrose at about 3pm yesterday. They came from nowhere, swooping from the trees on the back of three terrified woodpeckers. They swooped right past my ears and shouted obscenities at me. One of them made a rude gesture with its paw, and the one at the end threw a tiny beer can at my head. I’ve never seen anything like it,”

A hobbyist nature photographer, who was photographing some nice, well-behaved suburban wildlife at the time, snapped this photograph.

“I watched as a weasel leapt onto the woodpecker’s back. He shouted ‘Lads! I’ve got one! Time to burn rubber!” and forced the bird to fly around with it on its back.

“There was a slightly larger weasel nearby, who was wearing a studded jacket with ‘Badass’ written on the back above a skull. I believe this to be ringleader,”

“This has been going on for some time, but not to this extent,”

Said a local community officer.

“It’s a quiet neighbourhood generally, and everybody is just shocked by the behaviour of these weasels. It is believed that they are high on cocaine and glue, and that they may have been influenced by the computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto’.

Pomeranian Bollock-Wasps To Also Invade South Coast

The second in a 5 part series on the effects of global warming on the UK’s insect population.

Another unwelcome visitor to our native shores, the Pomeranian Bollock-Wasp a smaller, more deadly species of hornet than the North Korean Lobster Wasp, has been reported as far south as France last summer.

Named for the dangling, testicle like protrusions on their lower abdomens, these wasps are hot-headed, impulsive and deliver an agonising sting for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Originally from Pomerania, populations of the small and angry hornet have been spreading across the world with the rise of global warming.

Expert’s speculations vary about the species meeting in the UK, with some bug biologists warning that they could breed, producing a sparrow sized hornet with a sting the size of a hypodermic needle, earwig-like claws and a set of giggleberries like a six month old Saint Bernard. But stingy insect anthropologist Doctor Gordon Bennet claims that this is “extremely unlikely” as the North Korean wasps would kick the shit out of them and probably eat them balls-first before any breeding could occur.

Tension between the Korean and Pomeranian wasp species has been recorded in the past by Victorian scholars, who witnessed the Lobster wasps waving their claws “in a lewd and ungodly manner” outside the Bollock wasp’s nest, before being chased into the trees by a swarm of angry, large-testicaled hornets armed with tiny twigs and stones.

Both species of wasps are highly intelligent, and are rumoured to have invented their own versions of ice-cream, wrestling (with highly complex rules) and a sort of wasp version of the TV channels Sky Sports and Dave.

“Naturalists claim to have seen tiny TVs, wasps licking little ice cream cones and witnessed wasp wrestling matches,”

Said Dr. Bennet.

“But so far no-one has photographed or properly recorded them. They are well known to use rudimentary tools such as twigs, thorns and small stones in both building and warfare, but it remains to be seen if they will bring this technology to the UK, when they invade our shores this summer,”

This is part 2 in a 5 part series on the effects of global warming on the UK’s insect population.  Read Part 1 here.

 

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