Beer And ‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Bands And Musicians

A recent change in the law will allow musicians to exchange free beer, buffet food and ‘exposure’ for petrol, rent and guitar strings. Under the new legislation, it will be possible to pay for studio time or even a mortgage, by mentioning the ‘really big gig’ you performed at last week for no money, especially if there were celebs at it.

musicians exposure

A bass player from Manchester said:

“This is really good news for bands and musicians. I’m looking forward to buying a new bass with the sausage rolls and four pints of Strongbow I was promised for doing a wedding last week. At last, the government are doing something to support working musicians,”

Under the old law, it was impossible to pay for any kind of goods or service with the bullshit idea that you are ‘getting your name out there’ by entertaining a bored crowd that have never heard of you, trying their hardest to get legless and cop off with each other at a badly organised event. But this new legislation paves the way for people that don’t want to pay for bands to hire bands, and for musicians to pay their mortgages with plastic glasses of warm ale and vague promises of future paid work.

“I was offered an unpaid spot at a posh wedding, on the promise that there were influential people among the guests that might help my career. I’m looking forward to name-dropping some B-list celebs and people off the telly at my building society, and getting a third off my mortgage this month,”

Said a professional flute player from Southampton.

“I’ve been a professional musician for fifteen years, and I normally feel like telling people to fuck off when they ask me to do stuff like that. But now I can finally afford to live on the total twaddle of some tight fisted bugger that wants me to do them a favour and doesn’t want to pay me,”

Photo from Wikipedia

Madonna Slips Drake 10p And A Werther’s Original

Wearing a black tank top that read “Big As Madonna’ and kinky boots, 56 year old mother of four Madonna ended a set at Coachella, by reaching into her handbag and slipping 28 year old singer Drake a shiny 10p and a Werthers Original toffee. She topped off the friendly gesture with a sloppy granny-kiss.


Canadian singer Drake said afterwards:

“Erm, I suppose it was a nice gesture. You can’t really buy much with 10p these days, but she probably got confused and thought it was a shiny sixpence.  I think the Werther’s Original had been in the bottom of her handbag for some time, because it was covered in fluff. I’m really glad her false teeth didn’t fall onto my face,”

Rumours that Madonna asked Drake if he would like to “see some puppies” remain unconfirmed.

Kanye To Charge £20 A Month To Bugger Off

Some of the biggest names in the music business are supporting Kanye West’s new scheme, to pay him £20 a month just to bugger off.

kanye tidal

UK music fans are eagerly anticipating the new service, which will effectively remove Kanye and his pointless dipstick of a wife from their Facebook and Twitter feeds, radio and TV broadcasts, and even magazine articles.

“I literally cannot wait to hook up to TIDAL,”

Said a UK music fan.

“I’m absolutely sick to the arse of the silly twunt. It would be brilliant if he could just bog off and not be on the telly and the Internet all the bloody time,”

According to TechCrunch, the service currently has 35,000 subscribers, gladly paying £20 a month to never have to see, hear or read about Kanye West ever again. Many customers have simply shouted:

“Shut up and take my money!”

Before handing over their credit card details to telephone operators.

Last month, Jay Z or Shawn to his Mum, briefed a particularly annoying group of VIPs including Chris Martin, Nicki Minaj, and irritating electronic hipsters Daft Punk. He explained that people would probably pay just as much money to not have to listen to them all the time, as they would for an album and a handful of singles.

Although some stars attended the meeting in person, other equally pointless VIPS such as Usher joined in by video conference, as the temptation to nuke the building might have proved too much if they’d all turned up at once.

Sex, Drugs And Magic Hoovers. Tellytubbies – The Hacienda Years

“Tinky Winky snorted white heroin in The Gay Traitor bar, and we had to run him to hospital in a pink wheelbarrow,”

The Tellytubby's early incarnation was inspired by bands such as Joy Division.

The Tellytubby’s early incarnation was inspired by bands such as Joy Division.

A close friend of the Tellytubbys during their ‘Madchester’ years has written a tell-all book, which details their voracious appetite for drugs and rave music during their surreal TV show years.

It was the long hot summer of 1996, when the whole world smelled of cigarettes and rock n roll. This is the untold story of the four biggest party animals in Manchester, and how their debauchery nearly destroyed the whole scene – and themselves.

Author Andrew Wood (not his real name) said:

“They were animals. I can’t believe they’re all still alive. Sean Ryder was terrified of them. Tink was definitely the worst, although I once found Po off her face in a grit bin at the back of the Hacienda, cradling a dead hedgehog, and asking it to lend her a tenner for a packet of smokes and a mint Cornetto. I tried to pull her out because it was snowing, and she kicked me in the face and knocked me out, because she thought I was an alien,”

Noel Gallagher was interviewed for the book’s introduction, and he describes how much influence the Tellytubbys had during the latter part of the ‘Hacienda Years’.

“Everybody knew who they were, and you just didn’t f*** with the Tellytubbys. Dipsy was OK, but the rest of them were dicks. They were just really up themselves, pretending all this babytalk stuff and magic hoovers was all surreal and arty and just for kids. It was all about drugs. That hoover in the show – that was a running joke about Tinky Winky’s coke habit. What was it called? Noo-Noo? That’s the noise Tink makes when he wakes up and the hooker from last night has run off with his stash,”

The book also describes Dipsy’s battle with heroin, during which his management had to lock him in a room and force-feed him Nutella through a tube, because he was losing so much weight.

The Tellytubby’s management have unsuccessfully applied for a gagging order on the book, which is said to contain ‘explosive’ material, set to blow the lid off the mythos surrounding the infamous club of the 1990’s.

“If you’ve never seen Kermit from Black Grape chasing La-La around the streets of Manchester with a baseball bat at 4 in the morning, then you weren’t really there,”

‘Tellytubbies – The Hacienda Years’ is available to pre-order on Amazon.

Petition To Swap Kanye For White Overpaid Egomaniac

Fans of ‘real music’ and Guardian-reading Coldplay & Biffy Clyro listeners have signed a petition to swap Hip Hop artist Kanye West with a ‘Proper Rock Band’ at the Glastonbury festival this year.

SXSW 2009 Perez Hilton Party

The man that created the petition claimed that he was just trolling Kanye, because he thinks he’s a dick. But over 6000 music fans have signed the petition, which is currently trending on Facebook and Twitter.

A man from Australia that isn’t even going to the festival said he signed the petition because:

“This is a musical injustice, and it’s just political correctness gone mad. Rock music headliners need two things: A white guy and a guitar. Preferably multiples of both, but one will do. I vote we swap this overpaid egomaniac with a white one, like Bono, who at least makes music that I understand,”

Other petition signers grudgingly mentioned that they might accept a girl on the main stage, as long as there was “No Hip Hop references, and no running about in half a tracksuit and a sparkly bra, even if it is Madonna,”

Critics of the petition claim that it’s a bit unfair to moan about an act that you’re not even going to see, as there are many other acts playing on several stages on the Saturday night.

“This is bloody Glastonbury, not the X-Factor Road Show,”

Grumbled an Oasis fan in Manchester.

“I don’t care who it is, as long as they have a bit of a gravelly voice and somebody plays the guitar,”