David Cameron Appoints Katie Hopkins As Minister For Spite

David Cameron has appointed Sun columnist Katie Hopkins as minster for Spite. Her duties will include closing hospital wings, thinking up new sanctions for the Job Centre and wandering around the streets of London kicking busker’s hats over.


An expert on both virulence and malevolence, Hopkins is unusual in having not served as an MP prior to her appointment. It is widely believed that she may have a ‘dossier of dirt’ on one or more members of the cabinet, possibly involving copious quantities of Swarfega and the services of an elderly goat, which the unnamed cabinet member may have drunkenly mistaken for Katie herself.

Prime Minster David Cameron said in a statement.

“It is vital that that the poor, the sick and the disabled are punished. For too long, this country has been headed out of the dark ages. I believe that Katie Hopkins is the woman to lead us into an age of bleak, dribbling backwardness the like of which has not been seen since medieval times. She may be half-goat, half Shakespearian witch and probably a secret Nazi in her spare time, but she is all Tory,”

Rent Expenses MP’s ‘Sent To Hippy Commune’

The forty-six MPs that claimed expenses on rent and hotels, despite having tax payer funded homes in London, are to be sent to a commune & forced to sleep in bunk beds.

MPs wil be greeted by the farm's 'Chicken of Judgment', which will determine their duties during their stay.

MPs wil be greeted by the farm’s ‘Chicken of Judgment’, which will determine their duties during their stay.

Channel 4 news discovered that many MPs were letting out their second homes, and claiming up £20000 a year for rent, or £150 a night for hotels.

The Watchdog for MPs expenses said in a statement:

“Right! That’s it! We’re sending them all to a place called “Happy Home Farm” in the Cotswolds for a month. They can bloody well get up at dawn to feed the chickens after sleeping in uncomfortable bunk beds in draughty yurts, shovel some muck about and spend some time meditating on the nature of ‘Taking The Piss’ when it comes to tax payers money,”

The farm, a commune since 1997, houses many protesters and off-grid travellers, who spend much of their time working and living communally, farming and creating organic vegan knitwear for sale in Selfridges.

“This is fantastic news,”

Said a spokesperson for the commune named Frog.

“They’ll have to pull their weight though. We’ve got lots of lovely organic shit to shovel onto the potato field, and a new drystone wall to build, and we could really use 46 pairs of extra hands right now. We’ve got some spare yurts, and they can always bunk up in the cow shed if there isn’t enough room. We’ll feed them of course, but they’ll have to hurry up and finish all their jobs on time, or there’ll be nothing left,”

None of the MPs available for comment were satisfied with the decision. One unnamed MP was in floods of tears, as he has a phobia of cows and doesn’t want to “sleep in a lumpy bunk bed with a load of smelly hippies”

Frog added:

They’ll all be made very welcome in our 21st century commune, and we hope they’ll enjoy the experience and learn a little about the experience of sharing, and of helping your fellow humans. Apart from the one that said we were smelly hippies. I’ve got a special job for him, and it definitely involves a silage tank.

Scheme To Support Local Bullshit In Politics

A new scheme to support northern bullshit in politics has been proposed in the House of Lords. Once up and running, it should help usher in a new age of political bullshit in the North of England.

bullshit post

“We’re fed up of all that soft, shandy-drinking London bullshit,” said an MP. “What we’re proposing is a low-cost, environmentally friendly alternative. People forget that there’s plenty of bullshit around up North. Horseshit too. It’s just not as glittery and attractive, but northern politics is potentially capable of generating huge amounts of both bullshit and horseshit,”

The controversial bill, which would involve paying farmers even more money to turn large areas of sheep pasture in Wales into fields of male cows fed on purple GMO ‘Frankengrass’, is expected to pass next week.

When asked about the possibility of the North one day being able to sustain its own bullshit without requiring a truckload of southern bullshit to keep it going, Mr. Prescott said:

“By ‘eck, it’s bloody easy. All you have to do is get a load of bulls, feed’em some special grass and shovel up the muck,”

The North of England has traditionally clamped down on its use of bullshit in politics, favouring ‘No Bullshit’ leaders such as Arthur Skargill. But experts warn that social media is a huge consumer of bullshit.

“The amount of bullshit needed to maintain even just one London MP’s Twitter account could have kept an entire party afloat for a whole year in 1994,” warns beardy social media expert Martin Twat.

“Northern politicians are under enormous pressure to keep up with the levels of sycophantic bullshittery written by overpaid P.A.s in the south. It can take up to one entire male cow turd per tweet to produce that kind of carefully worded, self-important rot, and current levels of northern bullshit aren’t enough to sustain it long-term,”